in too deep

go!

2009-06-11T15:05:00.003+08:00

when you just pack up your bags and go…

when you temporarily forget the messes/backlogs/issues you left behind because they’d still be there when you get back anyway…

when you walk for hours and feel the wind on your face and ignore the little nagging compulsion to find an internet shop to check your mail…

when you get to feed your senses with the sights, smells, sounds, tastes, and sensations of the exciting and the unknown…

when you enjoy yourself thoroughly and think, why don’t i do this more often?

damn, i'd really have to be super efficient in managing my time and finish all these to-do stuff by today…

The mountain and I are one

2009-05-20T17:11:00.003+08:00

Let me tell you something about climbing mountains, and this is coming from someone who has tried and done this only once. Climbing mountains does not just involve strength and endurance, as I initially supposed. It involves skill as well. It takes skill to walk on steep slopes, put your foot on loose ground, and not come tumbling down. It takes skill to haul yourself up piles of rock and find spaces for your feet among the crags. Skill, and a certain kind of courage, or maybe faith, that gravity will not take you down the mountain as it has every right to do.

Climbing mountain was one of those things that were in my “nice to do” things, but I never really gave it much serious thought until recently. It seemed to be too complicated – the equipment too expensive, the environment too cold and/or wet, both of which are conditions that I hate, plus I’m not even sure if I have the will-power to keep on going when I get too tired – but all those stuff got swept away last weekend, and all that was left was the nervous but excited feeling as I sat atop the jeep cruising along ravines and mountain sides. It felt, needless to say, amazing!

It was all that a great weekend ought to be – a new adventure, a perfect place, with perfect weather, and the perfect company. Add a little bonus of finding the perfect outdoor facilitators, enjoying a perfect blend of hot mountain-brewed coffee, and meeting cool new friends, and the magical combination whirls into place.

Memorable moments:

Meeting in person the legendary Boboy Francisco and cohorts of UPM and Bomika;
Top loading (that’s the term they used) on the jeep, with the cold mountain air and the perfect view of the mountains and Ambuklao River;
Making new friends especially with Jay (who fondly calls me Totoy), Dada (my newly adopted kapatid), Mel and Rhea;
Deepening old ties with Ruth;
Making fun of Elsbeth at numerous occasions (pang-blackmail material) but at the same time learning to respect the sheer power of the human spirit;
Being humbled at my own insignificance in this universe seeing the vastness of a pitch-black night sky studded with millions and millions of stars and the surreal beauty of the sunrise and the summit view that no painting/photo can do justice;
And experiencing first-hand how experience can change perspective, like it did mine.

two letters

2009-03-12T17:35:00.003+08:00

in the next two or three months, I expect to receive one of these two letters. not written exactly like this, definitely, but this would pretty much do for the purpose.

Letter Possibility #1:

Dear Ms. Reyes,

Congratulations! You can now move on and plan the rest of your life (or year, at least) because you didn’t get the Netherlands grad school scholarship you’ve been angling for this past month or so. Did you really think you would get it? Huh. Well, it’s over. That ship has sailed. For your peace of mind, we suggest that you just keep those university acceptance letters for posterity, and destroy this scholarship rejection letter away immediately after reading it.

On the bright side, there’s no worry now that you would have to forfeit seeing the children err… puppies grow. Also, there is still that possibility of going in to culinary school. Good thing you took that leap of faith and went ahead renovating your kitchen, anyway.

Thanks for bothering, and good luck with the rest of your life.

Sincerely,
Scholarship People

Letter Possibility #2:

Dear Ms Reyes,

Congratulations! Your decision not to move on with your life and slacking off for much of last year is now justified, as you have been accepted for the grad school scholarship for the term starting this September. You can now start worrying about the costs of your apartment, dog food, credit card dues and initial living expenses, because we definitely won’t be paying for those. You have to get your ass over here first before we start paying your bills. Don’t you now wish that you saved up, and skipped your recent trips abroad so you’d at least have some savings?

You should also now start (if you haven’t already, which we suspect to be the case) reading up on stuff related to your degree program on Sustainable Development and Natural Resources Management, as your experience and knowledge on this area is woefully inadequate (we’re actually not sure what we’re thinking, giving you this scholarship).

Please let us know whether you’ll be able to make it after all.

Sincerely,
Scholarship People

i suspect that it would be letter #1; odds and logic definitely warrant it. Ii’s just that – HOPE, you know? – it’s there. sticky and clammy and nervous, but it’s there. i can’t tell it to go away and not be so stupid.

either way can be good for me, really. i know i can make it even without an international graduate degree (besides, I still have my overdue thesis to graduate with an MA in urban planning. my life may even be more interesting. but still…

sigh. I hate not knowing.

2008 nostalgia

2009-01-30T09:44:00.003+08:00

Work-related:

* Spending most of the year working on field projects had its advantages and disadvantages. Either way, I’m glad I took the plunge and did it--- yet again. In spite of my constant rantings that I hate work-related travels (early mornings at the airport, long dusty rides, cold showers, etc.), I really see no other alternative for me, I do love this kind of job without the permanent confines of a tiny square cubbie.

* I'm still reconciling the truth of having been psychologically-rewarded but I was indeed --financially (by standards).

* People in the office that I can (surprisingly) consider not just colleagues, but friends.

Travels:

* Seeing Angkor Wat at sunrise. The whole Cambodia trip was actually the highlight of the year. Definitely an unforgettable journey. While Angkor Wat is the most popular of the temple complexes, other temples such as the Bayon, Angkor Thom (as seen in Tomb Raiders) and Bantay Srei (forgot the names of the other temples) were all splendid. The sense of culture and the craftsmanship of the Khmer people are just admirable. Even the darkness during Pol Pot's regime cannot overshadow this majestic remnants of a great civilization.

* Haggling at the night market in Cambodia and Chatuchak weekend market in Thailand. I’m still not absolutely cutthroat at it but I’m getting there.

* Walking up and down Nai Lert Lane in Bangkok simply taking in the sights and sounds and smells and enjoying delicious street food.

* Sampling tasty travel treats! fresh sugar cane juice in Kuala Lumpur, extra-spicy tom yum soup in Bangkok, steamed crabs in Misamis Occidental, bagnet in Vigan, Khmer noodles in Siem Reap, etc…

Miscellaneous:

* Getting SVIP tickets for the Eraserheads reunion concert from a "kapuso" who happens to be a "kapamilya" of the Ely Buendia.

* Attending various Centennial-related events at UP Diliman: the kick-off ceremony, several UP Centennial speeches and of course the Lantern Parade.

* Finally getting my BA Sociology diploma. For the longest time, I thought the College Secretary already had it shredded to pieces.

* Discovering new friendships and deepening old ones. Though I can and should do better at this, medyo umiiral ang mga anti-social tendencies.

* Finishing a World Bank Institute course on disaster danagement. Learnings on DM, climate change and photography.

* Pursuing the continuing addiction to House MD, Jack Johnson, Urbandub, Nick Hornby, etc..

* Spending another year with boyps with a lot of warmth (and freebies and happy thoughts and freebies :D) and no major fights. I wonder whether the law of averages will soon catch up with us.

it's not brave if you're not scared

2009-01-29T15:48:00.000+08:00

I’ve been playing Green Day over and over for the past hour particularly that Good Riddance (Time of your Life), which is not really a good sign, because it means that I’m scared shitless but nevertheless trying to convince myself that everything will turn out fine. It’s a new year (amidst a global financial crisis), and while a huge part of me is awash with optimism and excitement and all that (Hello Mr. Pres. Obama), there’s also that small, nagging part of me that’s, well, scared shitless.

But hey, there’s that line from the movie Bounce.

Okay, okay. In plain words, I basically go all time-of-your-life-ish every time I am met with a fork in the road (like switching jobs, moving on... but mostly switching jobs). This is just me feeling the pressure of having to prove myself and live up to expectations, and the thought of starting all over.

P.S. While I don’t exactly count Bounce as one of my all-time favorite movies, it is the source of two classic lines: the one above, and “I want someone to say goodnight to, a last call of the day. I don’t have a last call of the day. Do you?”

That line was just pure torture.

Naks. ume-EMO!

2008 in RED

2009-01-29T09:07:00.003+08:00

2008 was largely spent seeing red. Not the kind that induces sickening sweet little nothings and fluffy, lacy hearts. This is the kind of red that draws blood. The one that appears with a flash across your eyes coupled with feelings of rage or anger or general frustration; hence, the lack of updates or posts of any sorts. I don’t even know how it happened because as far as I know, I don’t fit the definition of a workaholic and/or a complainer for that matter. I just got drowned with so much goings on.

But that was 2008. And if I'm gonna look back at how it was, there would be a lot of nostalgic moments that are worth blogging about. I'll try to make time and catch up with the blogging like I used to and find words that I somehow feel that I lost.

dahil centennial ng UP.... solidarity ito

2008-04-12T18:29:00.004+08:00

UP Survey

1. Student number?
98-13676

2. College?
CSSP, SURP

3. Course?
BA Socio, MA Urban and Regional Planning

4. Nag-shift ka ba o na-kickout?
Nag-plan magshift to Comm Res pero still ended up graduating with a Socio degree. Yan ang napala ko for letting a movie (“To Kill a Mockingbird”) guide my inspiration for a career choice.

5. Saan ka kumuha ng UPCAT?
AS, Rm. 108-110

6. Favorite GE subject?
Hmmm.. it should have been Hum II, but Marco Lagman was just such fun in Kas II

7. Favorite PE?
Taekwondo. May kinarir akong boylet. hihihi. :D

8. Saan ka nag-aabang ng hot girls/guys sa UP?
Not exactly applicable, but I used to have this fantasy that I’d meet THE boy in a library/bookstore

9. Favorite prof(s)
Lanuza (Socio Theory, Thesis), Monsod (Econ), Avecilla (Mass Media Law), Lagman (Kas II), and Liedo (Soc Sci, Psych). They made learning really challenging, inspiring and rewarding

10. Pinaka-ayaw na GE subject?
Kas I, I think. Not because of the subject but because of the ancient, slightly vague professor.

11. Kumuha ka ba ng Wed or Sat classes?
Sadly. Tipong 7-9 AM class pa nga e. terrible. no choice.

12. Nakapag-field trip ka ba?
Muntik lang in my Anthropology elective but I dropped it just a week before the trip para makapag-final initiation sa org I was applying to join then

13. Naging CS ka na ba or US sa UP?
To everyone’s surprise, yes

14. Ano ang Org/Frat/Soro mo?
UP Praxis, AlaySining, UP Simbulan, UP Planning Society. Pero puro short stints lang except sa Praxis

15. Saan ka tumatambay palagi?
AS gazebo, AS 2nd floor, Main Libe front steps, steel railings sa SURP

16. Dorm, Boarding house, o Bahay?
I tried all pero dorm mostly

17. Kung walang UPCAT test at malaya kang nakapili ng kurso mo sa UP, ano yun (Given ang mentality mo nung HS ka)?
Alas, given my misguided frame of mind, I would still have gone and picked Socio (as pre-law).

18. Sino ang pinaka-una mong nakilala sa UP?
Jovan Sison during freshman reg. Ang haba ng pila!

19. First play na napanood mo sa UP?
I don’t remember. The most memorable was certainly “Pagsalunga,” featuring three plays by Rogelio Sicat

20. Name the 5 most conyo orgs in UP
malay ko ba sa mga conyo na yan…

21. Name 5 of the coolest orgs/frats/soro in UP.
malay ko din for that matter…

22. May frat/soro bang nag-recruit sa yo?
Got invited twice

23. Saan ka madalas mag-lunch?
Beach House, Mang Jimmy’s. Karneng-karne no?

24. Masaya ba sa UP?
Oo naman. As in!

25. Nakasama ka na ba sa rally?
Yup. Although I’m a bit of a late bloomer in the scene (scene daw, o!)

26. Ilang beses ka bumoto sa Student Council?
Hmm.. I think 3x nung undergrad and once nung MA

27. Name at least 5 leftist groups in UP
ssshhh...

28. Pinangarap mo rin bang mag-laude nung freshman ka?
At the back of my mind lang, but I knew that I was too lazy to do it

29. Kanino ka pinaka-patay sa UP?
Celebrity crush ko si Patrick Madarang, varsity ng men’s basketball. And then ang mga semestral boylets na not exactly umabot sa “patay” stage

30. Kung di ka UP, anong school ka?
UP or bust!

Maligayang Sentenaryo!

backlogs

2008-02-16T05:17:00.003+08:00

there are so many posts that i've been meaning to post but like with work, i keep on hitting rock-bottom with backlogs.

but in liue of the recent valentines day, i just have to say i found love.... :D

XOXOXO

belated customary year-end reflection entry

2008-01-04T05:54:00.001+08:00

This is one of the hardest year-end reflections to begin. It's not because something tumultuous happened at the end of the year and it's also not because there's a lot to say about the year that was. The opposite of that appears to be closer to the truth. I have no idea what exactly to write about.

It was a line from a song that struck me, "But if life were only moments, then you'd never know you had one." That pretty much sums up the year. 2007 was a year of stability and just being steady (whatever steady means in the steadiest sense of the word). I remember it largely for the insane amount of time I spent holed up in my little corner of the world.

But of course, there were moments. There were moments of escape, thanks to the travel (and boy, those sure were such adventures!). There were moments of good times, and my friends and officemates never fail to amaze me in terms of the great lengths they'll go through. There were intimate moments with the people I love most. And yes, there was also a different kind of these moments, the type that makes the heart pound loudly, the hands shake uncontrollably, and the knees weak that walking in golden ballerina flats seem impossible.

These were just moments. Bursts in the drone of the steady, and that is why I appreciate them all the more. It may be the year of steady, but I am proud to say that, yeah, I did go out of my comfort zone without the guise of excuses this year. Taking that once-in-a-while risk proves to pay off.

Not many people know this, but I started the year with a fallout. Looking back, I am reminded of what a mentor once said. Your heart breaks because you have to let other people in. That was so much true this year. I met a lot of amazing people, my dearest friends keep getting more and more amazing, and some relationships with some people have deepened, because you learn to see beyond what you've lost.

So yeah, I started the year with a fallout, droned through it with work and the people I love, and I end it on a high note... still, with the people who make everything worth its while.

Here's to all that was and all that will be.

where is the love?

2007-12-13T07:24:00.002+08:00

Over the years, I think I've learned to manage my temper and not explode the instant something completely ticked me off. However, I just cannot be passive about two things: rudeness and the lack of discipline.

I write this because of an incident last night. I was with with my sister to buy dinner at Jollibee Mega. While we were in line, this lady suddenly jumped from one line to our line to place her order right after her friend, who was in front of us. Irritated, I muttered loudly enough, "Kaya nga may line e." She glared at me and said, "She's with me. What's your problem?"

Well, you're my problem. AND -- she's not with you. You're with her. But despite your grammatical flaw and palengkera English accent, being with her does not give you the license to cut lines. AND -- you dare give me a Manhattan once-over look when you're ugly as hell? Haha. It's funny. Then she makes a big fuss about whispering to her companion (obviously about me). How childish.

I think it would have been fine if she had discreetly asked her friend to take her order and give her payment to her. No, that's not the case. She just had to jump behind her friend and then place her order (billed separately, I might add).

OK, OK. This might be a normal occurrence at fast food chains, and I probably would have let it pass if she had, say, asked permission to stand in line behind her friend. Pero naman, show a little respect for people who are behind you. Show a little respect for people who are probably equally hungry or even hungrier than you. I think those at the cashier should be trained to not take the orders of people who cut in line and that these people should be asked to fall in back of the line. This is basic courtesy and respect for other people.

This is something that's not just happening in fast food lines. It's also something that you see on the road. People lack discipline. No wonder this country isn't progressing. It's everyone for their own, as if trying to always get ahead of others when there's not much difference in the end. It just seriously pisses me off because I've been taught to follow the rules and I do, but in the end, it's like you're always shoved to the back of the line.

The old me would probably have picked up a fight with that hag. Then again, I just bit my tongue. This isn't a fight worth picking. After all, that ugly girl might spill gravy on my clothes and besides, how she reacted to me spoke volumes about her breeding.Or rather her (lack of) manners.

Remember, we don't pick fights with lesser beings. *wink*

konti na lang

2007-12-11T12:06:00.002+08:00

Thanks to some “freeloading” stickers I got during friends-get-together and official meetings, plus the 10th anniversary double-your-stickers promo, I'll be getting the Starbucks planner without even trying hard to.

Aren’t we all such suckers for this planner promo? And I meant that in a gleeful way, of course.

Is it just me or does the gingerbread man look gay?

And it really doesn’t help that you can also get a package of “gingerbread boys.”

Anyway, I hope everyone’s enjoying the Christmas season, whether they’re giving to the commercialism of it all or not. Just remember it’s not just all about the commercial stuff.

Happy holidays! :)

sa mga iskolar ng bayan

2007-12-06T11:24:00.001+08:00

kitakits sa 2008!

About the logo: (http://www.up.edu.ph)

The Oblation is a symbolic icon representing the UNIVERSITY OF THE PHILIPPINES. It captures the UP spirit, which has endured for a century: the country’s youth sacrificing itself in the service of the country. This figure is in the foreground of the UP Centennial logo.

Behind it is the Sablay, the sash worn by UP students upon their graduation. It is distinctive, in that across it is inscribed the word “UP” in Alibata letters. This is symbolic of the University’s commitment to remaining the country’s premier institution of higher learning.

Behind the figure of the Oblation is a globe, with the map of the Philippines highlighted. This represents the University’s taking its rightful place in the world as the National University of the Philippines.

everything you want

2007-12-04T16:15:00.002+08:00

dizizit!paumanhin kay sealdi...

what now?

2007-11-30T09:29:00.001+08:00

So after several hours of self-righteous indignation, and waiting for the people’s support, which never came, Sen. Trillanes and Gen. Lim’s group agreed to stand down. (Whatever happened to being ready to fight for their beliefs? Where was the swagger and arrogance earlier displayed?)

Before that I was all tensed and worried, thinking that this could not possibly end well, that people would die, that the only way Trillanes can hope to gain sympathy at this point is to actually die fighting. But no, at the end of the day, it looks like another grandstanding, pointless stunt, with Trillanes raving about how his 11 million votes were disrespected and practically performing before the media, saying, See, see what they’d do? Look, tear gas!! tear gas! Tanks!! (Or, in rebel-speak, “You have been witnesses and victims to the kind of ruthlessness of this administration.”) Well, what did he expect??

In the end, they decided to peacefully leave Manila Pen, but not before holding a press conference. During the presscon, Trillanes’ statements were defiant as always, but he looked sad, deflated, speaking haltingly and even answering a question with “Whatever” (I burst out laughing when I heard that). Not quite your old gung-ho adventurist. He was probably shaken by the fact that once again, he was left spearheading a hopeless coup attempt, with nobody bothering to show up to support his cause. He was probably going, where are my 11 million votes now?

Sen. Trillanes, your 11 million voters were telling you to work within the proper channels. Your ascendancy to the Senate was an expression of trust from people hoping that you would work for real change, that you would continue to stand for idealism. It was not a license to stage another publicity stunt of a coup attempt just because you can’t hold office in Pasay.

I’m not crazy about this administration as well, but I cannot support such methods as this because I think it is pointless and counterproductive. On the other hand, I also can’t help asking myself, “So how are you doing your part?” I’m working hard, I don’t give bribes, I don’t litter, I campaign for the informal sector and the environment– are these enough? Shouldn’t we all step up, even just a little bit?

I was mad as hell when some congressman justified the Malacañang cash gifts by saying they’re not bribes but “allowances.” I was like, potah, sobrang ginagawa naman nila tayong tanga. But even so, that was all I did, wala na. So the question now is, if the Trillaneses don’t do what they are doing, if nobody really speaks out, and corruption continues to be a way of life, where does that leave us?

Gen. Lim did have a point when he said dissent without action is consent, even if I have some issues on the actions he chose to take. As it has previously been pointed out, we really do get the leaders we deserve.

windy days are wonderful and rain is for the romantic

2007-11-29T06:19:00.002+08:00

Nothing beats snuggling up with someone in bed the whole day while still in your pajamas, with a stack of DVDs, a big bag of munchies, and a hot mug of chocolate or coffee.

"Bed weather," someone said.

These past days, it’s either windy, drizzly or downright stormy in this side of the Metro. The dampness of the city is very conducive to a lot of cuddling, stripping and lazing around, and not once was I tempted to ditch work over the fantasy of sleeping off the whole day.

But then I have to go work, like the rest of us urbanites in this third-world country.

I only have an average of 5-10 minutes sun exposure during work days, that’s five times a week, when I commute from home to the office (that includes riding the tricycle to Philcoa, getting in line at the FX terminal and walking along Paseo to Ayala) to make it to my (ideally) 9-6 pm. job. The rest of my 24-hours I spend under fluorescent lights and air-conditioning. The rest of my 24-hours I spend in the darkness of nighttime.

And today, I missed my 5-10minutes of sunlight and the weather is bringing me down. It’s drizzling the whole morning while I was gearing up for work. I bathed, dressed up in jeans, jacket and sneakers. Then I sprayed on vanilla perfume, my favorite scent with a very warm undertone that could only be used in temperatures like these. My skin smelled of slowly melting sugar in low fire, it smelled of ice cream and love-making.

I had a less-than-satisfying breakfast of a glass of milk, had my usual rides and short walk to the office—all while simultaneously thinking. I pulled my jacket’s hood over my head for protection, from the rain, from my thoughts.

I did the usual preliminary work, said my hellos to my officemates, and had coffee break in the pantry.

I looked outside the window: dark clouds are still framing the Makati skyline and there is mist in the air. You could smell the rain and the slippery roads from up there. Beads of raindrops hit the windows making them translucent, and the coldness of the whole room and the wet street outside bit me.

I started missing a lot of things. I miss my mudra, my friends, my boylet, college life, my dogs, my waistline. I miss Papa, Bulacan, breakfasts, my music, my books.

I miss myself before I knew love..

Work came and with it the drizzle stopped. Maybe the rain gods need a break, too.

everybody hurts

2007-11-27T10:07:00.001+08:00

So just how sad was Michael Stipe of REM when he composed "Everybody hurts"? The song (and the video) is just so... sad. And listening to it has this saddening effect that makes you want to kill yourself even if you were Batibot-happy a few minutes back.

"When your day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on
Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes."

Sniff.

inuyat

2007-11-26T11:58:00.001+08:00

Does anyone know the meaning of the word "inuyat"? I thought I knew the weirdest Tagalog words since we're from Bulacan and we speak hardcore Tagalog, but I have no idea what inuyat means.

Iniatially, it sounded bastos to me.

I met a friend over dinner last week and she was making tsimis about her officemate who dramatically lost weight. She said the dude used to be really big, but after five months, the guy had shrunk into half.

F: Ang laki ng pinayat nya kaso ang pangit, mukha shang INUYAT.
Me: Anong inuyat?
F: Inuyat, parang ano... inuyat!
Me: Ba't parang tunog ulam? Parang inipit? Inasal? Inadobo, Iniscabeche...
F: Oo, parang inaksiw, inirito...

Sadly, I still don't know what inuyat means. Better ask my mudra who said "pinatiti" is "drained" and "patitiin" is "to drain"---among other old Tagalog words you've probably never heard of.

this blog ain't dead

2007-11-20T23:50:00.001+08:00

It’s not exactly one of those kill-me-now days, it’s not that bad yet- just one of those damn-this-is-so-challenging-since-I-only-possess-one-body-and-i-don’t-know-which-task-to

-start-first-and-I-just-got-back-do-I-have-to-travel-again? just one of those wow-they’re-really-killing-me-softly-here. Two pending manuals to write, a handful of project status report to chase after, simultaneous events to coordinate, not to mention those pesky staff assessment I have to do every morning. But then again I can’t complain, since they paid me to do as is and I have to commend my team since everybody else is carrying huge workloads. It’s like it’s become the norm to take on (or be assigned – as if I had a choice) a superhuman workload that you can’t possibly do in a normal forty-hour workweek, forcing you to spend late hours, weekends, and even holidays at the office, and then take some more of the work home so you can do even more stuff while you’re in your pajamas cradling your laptop in your, well, lap. It’s pathetic. I finally managed to get my hands on a kickass lappie after months of yearning, and it just ends up giving me more work instead of allowing me to explore other pursuits as I originally intended it.

Shudders. My first few months here I’ve managed to avoid that kind of manic existence, but lately I’ve been noticing that I’m being sucked again into that frustrating vortex of having your work control your life. And reverting to the habit of writing rant blog posts. This is so not good.

2007-10-23T13:51:00.001+08:00

without you here, there is less to say...

somewhere in between

2007-10-10T00:44:00.001+08:00

i can't be losing sleep over this
no, i can't
and i cannot stop pacing
give me a few hours
and i'll have this all sorted out
if my mind would just stop racing

'cause i cannot stand still
i can't be this unsturdy
this cannot be happening

this is over my head
but underneath my feet
cause by tomorrow morning i'll have this thing beat
and everything will be back to the way that it was
i wish that it was just that easy

'cause i'm waiting for tonight
then waiting for tomorrow
and i'm sowehere in between
what is real and just a dream
what is real and just a dream
what is real and just a dream

would you catch me if i fall
out of what i fell in
don't be surprised if i collapse down at your feet again
i don't want to run away from this
i know that i just don't need this

'cause i cannot stand still
i can't be this unsturdy
this cannot be happening

'cause i'm waiting for tonight
then waiting for tomorrow
and i'm somewhere in between
what is real and just a dream

what is real and just a dream
what is real and just a dream
what is real and just a dream

---Lifehouse, No Name Face

Free Burma

2007-10-04T17:12:00.001+08:00

For fights that are simply worth fighting for.

daydream cycle

2007-08-16T18:01:00.003+08:00

mad girl's love song
by sylvia plath

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade
Exit seraphim and Satan's men
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

***

Oh, Sylvia, Sylvia! I really wish you didn't put your head in that oven. But smart girls are usually stupid anyway. Sylvia is a nice name, I might name my would-be daughter Sylvia, Sylvia something. Not that am crazy about kids now, or ovens. Although I have a certain fondness of making things up inside my head, when I should have been working instead..

stream of consciousness

2007-08-03T17:43:00.001+08:00

I often wonder why you love him so much, how you endure one moody episode after another. How you have managed to be so patient and understanding in the most ridiculous and compromising situation is beyond me. Apparently, the TWO other persons who have that high a threshold for him aside from his mother, are probably you and his best pal, Marc. Ooh.. And maybe Ronald, too.

He is sweet, sometimes. Kind, no. Thoughtful, negotiable. Understanding, no yes. Childish, depends. Caring, very. Loving, yes. Moody, hell yes! I think he has more PMS symptoms than you'd ever have.

I wonder why you love him this much because if he is somebody else’s boyfriend, I don't think he/she would have loved him as much as you do. If he is somebody else’s boyfriend, they'll probably outbitch each other and call it off every month—or week. If he is somebody else’s boyfriend, there would be some sort of reckoning for his "It's Complicated TM" status on Friendster. E bakit nga ba “It’s Complicated TM"? Ha? Ha?

O, well. You must have gone bonkers, why you really love him remains a mystery. You’re not exactly trophy-girlfriend material, but when it comes to loving him, Jeng, it is so hardcore - it amazes me!

And now, what to give him for monday? Hmmm….

sellout

2007-08-01T09:19:00.001+08:00

Starting this month I'll be working in Makati and you'll probably see me squeezing my way with the MRT mob. I'm shedding my NGO skin (for a while) to accept a corporate job that is not at all connected to my course(s), or my license, or my big dreams of working at the UN, but a job that is almost 2x of what I'm making now and would increase some more based on, ahemm.. my performance.

I don't know what made me accept the offer, maybe it was the intolerable environment my previous job offered, the lack of better job prospects at the moment, or it could be the money. yeah.. could be it.

I tried to justify with myself that at least the work involved project management, documentation and manual/technical writing - things that I know well, occasional local and (yey!) international travels (there's Bali, Indonesia already in September), and the projects I'll be handling will still have cooperatives as clients. But I guess it all boils down to a text exchange with ex-officemate: What's in for the future of the future children?

Right, I mean I've been working for what, 4-5 years now and I haven't really thought of saving seriously because apparently, there's nothing much to save. Not that I don't know how to spend my money wisely, of course there are seasonal splurging and reward-yourself-moments, but there are, of course, bills to pay.. a lot of them, actually.

I'm sure I wouldn't stay here very long and I have no plans of altering my career plans. I remain pro-NGO and social development at heart and there's still climate change to curve and coastal resources to conserve. Let's just say I'm buying some time 'til I get to put my license in to good use. For now, I'll try to learn as much as I can in this new experience and enjoy the perks that go with it together.

we escape, most likely, because frankly, reality sucks

2007-07-04T12:31:00.001+08:00

Prior to the EP exam, I was half-way downloading episodes 12-23 of Heroes' first season. I promised myself that as soon as the board's done, I'll reward myself, passed or failed, with a marathon. The oath-taking happened, worked happened, and a little acad (attempt) is happening that already a month after the board, it's only now that I'm getting my hands on it.

This is a very self-indulgent entry that only updated fanatics will be able to understand or give answers to. For the others, spoilers and confusion await. Kung nakaka-relate ka, feel free to add your answers, questions and theories.

- Ano ang papel ni Linderman sa big explosion? Does the fact that the explosion happened mean that Micah failed too in whatever it was Linderman wanted him to do? What was it that Linderman wanted him to do?

- Kung iba na yung future na binalikan ni future Hiro after warning Peter Petrelli sa train (because Peter after all was able to save the cheerleader), bakit meron pa rin sya nung artworks and newspaper clippings of the past in which Sylar was able to kill Claire and other alternate versions of the past? baon ba nya yun when he went back to the past para may documentation sya ng lahat ng possible permutations of reality for his string theory? At di naman sya mukhang bulky nung kinausap nya si Peter sa train.

-So now Hiro’s off to kill Sylar, not knowing that Peter was the bomb, now what?

- Bakit di na lang nila patayin si Ted para matanggal na yung threat ng explosion once and for all?

- Is it just me o hindi talaga bagay sina Peter at Nikki? (I last saw him kissing Rory Gilmore, for crying out loud)

- Does future Hiro ever regain his lost innocence and enthusiasm? I hope he does! I need that Hiro to survive for Season 2.

- Bakit hindi nalaman ni Peter na hindi si Nathan si Nathan? Di ba nya napapansin na may naaabsorb syang ibang powers pag nalalapit sya kay Nathan?

- Theoretically, dapat matalo ni Peter si Sylar kasi he can have all of Sylar's powers in addition to his own, right?

- Gaano katindi yung injury na na-suffer ni Peter at hindi gumaling yung scar sa mukha nya?

- Ano ang power ni Lola Petrelli?

- Bakit ang pangit ng boyfriend ni Claire?

I can go on and on, but then I won't get anything done. I can't wait to watch the remainder of the season, and at the same time I know I'll miss this delicious excitement. Hay, this is indulgence.

board buddy

2007-06-27T18:47:00.001+08:00

4 and 5 finish (yabang lang!:D)

wow philippines

2007-06-14T13:11:00.001+08:00

My Lakbayan grade is C+!
How much of the Philippines have you visited? Find out at Lakbayan!

Not bad. but apparently, most are work related. :( leisure travel has got to improve somehow...
palawan! definitely palawan. and bohol and siargao, too.

Created by Eugene Villar.

break kung break

2007-05-21T18:46:00.001+08:00

wish you were here..

RIP

2007-05-16T09:34:00.001+08:00

i just died today..

flip

2007-05-08T22:19:00.001+08:00

it occurs to me that I am (sort of) scatterbrained. i forget/lose things, laugh at inappropriate moments, get simple things mixed up (gosford wives, stepford park anyone?), and get puzzled by basic modern living concepts like insurance, directions, etc. before, i hated being thought of as overly serious and deliberately rebelled against it. now i have subconsciously modified that and turned into this clumsy, ditzy, flighty person.

i wonder what it feels like to be well put together, inside and out.

now that i think about it, the last time that i was like that was way back in grade school, when my mother was still in full charge of me. those days, i ate breakfast everyday, had all my school things in my bag, neatly tucked in my shirt, never overspent my allowance, and was an honor student besides. those, i now realize, were my glory days. to go back to that now would require superhuman effort, and i would be further hampered by all the insecurities i’ve picked up along the way.

muse

2007-05-08T13:34:00.001+08:00

he’s been waiting for hours when the bell rings. standing under the shade of the tree across the gate. he wonders if she liked it this time. last week he almost caught a blush crept her cheeks and a hint of a delicate smile.

she is walking towards him now and almost a breath away. he looks straight in to her eyes but cannot decipher the message behind its obsidian stare. he can hear his heart beating wildly; his palms both sweaty.
she must know.

the moment’s over. all 10 seconds of it. what’s left is a trail of shredded promises yet to be fulfilled.
all his.

suicide mission

2007-05-03T16:11:00.002+08:00

The Office of the University Registrar has spoken... I'm gonna take the board!
And I've got less than 27 days in between work, travel and everything else to cram for these:

AREA 1 - Physical Planning

1. City growth and spatial planning theories
2. Evolution, concepts, and types of planning
3. Land use planning and management: Principles, process or methodology and application
4. Site analysis and site planning
5. Space allocation and siting of infrastructure and transport requirements
6. Preservation, conservation, management and sustainable development of the natural and built environment

AREA 2 - Social Planning

1. Concepts, methods and approaches to social planning and development
2. Social services policy and planning including planning social facilities and standards in various sectors (population and demography; education and human resource development; housing and human settlements; health and nutrition; social welfare; protective services; culture, sports and recreation)

AREA 3 - Economic Planning

1. Development planning theories
2. Analytical tools in urban and regional planning: Statistical, financial, economic
3. Policy, planning and implementation of the following economic sub-sectors (agriculture, fisheries and forestry; industry, trade and tourism; infrastructure services - public works, transport and communications)

AREA IV - Planning Law and Administration

1. Institutional framework for planning
2. Tools for plan implementation and enforcement: Eminent domain, taxation, and other regulatory measures
3. Planning standards, laws, rules and regulations
4. Certification of environmental planners and standards of professional practice

AREA V - Special Planning Studies

1. Project planning and development
2. Integration of physical and social-economic planning
3. Area development planning (industrial estates/economic zones development; agro-industrial, integrated area/integrated rural development; new towns development, environmental impact studies)

misnomer

2007-04-24T23:02:00.001+08:00

The Recognition Rites of the UP College of Law Batch 2007 was held today at the UP Cine Adarna (Film Center). As expected it was --from a non-relative/outsider's point of view-- an afternoon full of (other) law school(s) bashing, tearful Oscar award-esque /inspirational /you-are-the hope-of-the-nation speeches, and picture-taking that takes forever to finish.

But of course, most, if not all, deserve a celebration -- and as they say in UP Law-- in the grand manner after 4 years or more of studying.

Congrats to all! You know who you are and I don't.

----

I got a comment, a few phone calls and 8 text messages in reaction to my post below. But on the contrary, we are doing fine. Sabi nga ng Brownman Revival, steady lang.

The song goes to all friends, 5 all in all, who were, who are and who will be in such state in the future. At maganda naman kasi yung kanta.

If only we'd look at the same camera at the same time...

In fairness... :D

cool off

2007-04-20T09:21:00.001+08:00

all together now...

ayoko na munang makita ka
ayoko na munang makasama ka
gusto ko sanang mapag-isa
‘di na yata tayo masaya
‘di na yata kakayanin pa
gusto ko munang mapag-isa

siguro’y ito na nga
intindihin mo na
kailangan lang natin ng pahinga

palayain ang isa’t isa
kung tayo, tayo talaga
palayain ang isa’t isa
kung tayo, tayo talaga

-session road

election fever

2007-04-19T08:56:00.001+08:00

“Elections are based on rank, not on a fixed number,” NAMFREL’s Guillermo Luz said. “By abstaining, you’re making it easier for other people to enter the Magic 12.”

A lot of people are going around self-righteously proclaiming that:

a. they’ll fill up only x number slots in the ballot because the senatorial choices are pathetic
b. they’ll leave all the ballot slots blank as a protest on the sorry state of Philippine politics
c. they won’t vote at all as a protest on the sorry state of Philippine politics, or even
d. they didn’t register at all as a protest on the sorry state of Philippine politics

But those last ones I think are just apathetic.

I’ve gone the “a” route myself before, and I’ve been chewing the heads off of those people who didn’t even bother to register - it’s your right, how could you not even care, don’t you know that bad leaders are elected by good people who don’t vote, yadayadayada – but now I realize that due sympathy should also be accorded to those people who are intending to exercise their right to vote and exercise it intelligently, but cannot for the life of them choose 12 fully deserving candidates. People like, well, me. And maybe you.

There are 37 candidates for the 12 senatorial slots, enough to fill the ballot 3 times over, but how much do we really know about these candidates? Are we even making an effort to find out? What are the bases of our choices?

Here they are:

Genuine Opposition

1. Benigno “Noynoy” Aquino III
2. Alan Peter Cayetano
3.Anna Dominique “Nikki” Coseteng
4. Francis “Chiz” Escudero
5. Panfilo Lason
6. Loren Legarda
7. John Henry Osmeña
8. Aquilino “Koko” Pimentel III
9.Sonia Roco
10. Antonio Trillanes IV
11. Manuel Villar

Team Unity

1. Edgardo Angara
2. Joker Arroyo
3. Michael Defensor
4. Jamalul Kiram
5. Vicente Magsaysay
6. Cesar Montano
7. Teresa Aquino-Oreta
8. Prospero Pichay Jr.
9. Ralph Recto
10. Luis “Chavit” Singson
11. Vicente Sotto III
12. Juan Miguel Zubiri

Other Candidates

1. Martin Bautista
2. Felix Cantal
3. Melchor Chavez
4. Ruben Enciso
5. Antonio Anthony Estrella
6. Richard Gomez
7. Gregorio Honasan
8. Oliver Lozano
9. Eduardo Orpilla
10. Francis Pangilinan
11. Zosimo Jesus Paredes II
12. Adrian Sison
13. Victor Wood
14. Joselito “Peter” Cayetano

Everyone, do your research now. Make sure that the names you put in that ballot really deserve to be there. Our cynicism and general feeling of despair might allow us to think otherwise, but our votes do matter, if only for the simple reason that we won’t allow them to NOT matter.

im fine, thank you. and world peace to you, too

2007-04-12T21:36:00.001+08:00

Tinawagan na ako kahapon ng WB, not Warner Bros. (yo, Karla! hehe. ;D) , but yes, ng World Bank.. the World Bank. Apparently, kahit di ako nakarating nung interview with the HR head, they're willing to get me in. Ang adik, alas-8 ng umaga nung tumawag. Ewan ko ba kung bakit maaga din ako nun nagising. Pero nakaka-kaba talaga, yun tipong may kasamang nginig, feeling ko nga pati sa kabilang linya e rinig yung panginginig ng boses ko kahit puro "yes, Ma'am" lang naman ang nagawa kong sabihin.

Maraming nagulat sa mga sinabihan kong tao na nakapasok at nakapasa ako. E kasi naman, wala naman talaga kong sinabihan ng detalye ng application ko dun. Una, di naman planado yung pag-apply ko (tsamba lang na nakita ko yung job post dahil di ko naman prospect ang WB) at ni hindi nga ako nag-expect na mapansin yung ipinadala kong CV. Pangalawa, nung nag-exam ako, alam ko na right there and then, bagsak, flop, olats, bopols yung score ko. Hello! malay ko naman sa local government financing no. Math 11 nga (that's college algebra for you) iginapang ko pa sa removals at yung Plan 214 (econometrics) nakuha lang sa partial points ng final paper at essays. Kaya naman nung ni-release yung mga for interview that day, nagtext pa sa akin yung nagpprocess ng application kasi nasa labas na ako ng building pauwi. Pangatlo, di talaga ako prepared nung araw na yun, lalo na para sa isang panel interview. Nung humarap ako sa kanila, mental blockout talaga. Kelan ba ako huling humawak ng RA 7160? O ng NEDA manual? Kahit nga mga handouts sa SURP, di ko na talaga maalala. Basta, isa yun sa mga pinaka please-swallow-me-na-earth moments ng buhay ko. Stammering nonsense. Blabbering idiot.

Kaya naman I didn't have the guts or the ego para magkwento sa mga tao ng buong ordeal na yun. Bits and pieces lang, for self-preservation. Feeling ko kasi na-karma ako sa sobrang pangmamaliit ng work standards sa current office ngayon. Nakakahiya talaga. Nakaka-humble.

Tapos after ng ilang linggo, tumawag yung HR head na may interview daw uli ako. Medyo nabuhayan naman ako ng loob, na-excite kasi may chance pa para sa redemption. May milagro.

Kaso naman, sa dinami-dami ng araw na mamalasin natapat pa yun sa araw ng re-interview ko. In short, di ako nakarating at natanggap ko ang kinatatakutang "Don't call us, we'll call you" nung mag-attempt akong magpare-schedule.

Ayun, sobrang na-windang ang mundo ko nung sinabing I got in. Ang saya! Di pa naman pala ako hopeless. Nga lang, pakonti-konti e nagsi-sink in na yung implications nito sa aking so-called career. April 23 na ako pinare-report at feeling ko, di ako agad-agad makakaalis ng NATCCO ng ganun-ganun na lang. Kailangan ko din ng updated transcripts, NBI clearance, medical certificate at clearance ng NATCCO na hanggang ngayon e di ko pa nga nasasabihan tungkol dito.

Iniisip ko rin kung gusto ko ba talaga sa WB, oo, leveling na dun at sabi nga ni Janis, konti na lang ang agwat namin ni Angelina. Haha. Pero parang di pa rin ako solve sa agenda ng foreign-assisted aid na patuloy lang magbabaon sa Pilipinas sa utang. E yun pa naman ang project na hahawakan ko. I-capacitate daw ang LGUs para matuto silang mag-mobilize ng resources at kung kinakailangan mabigyan ng grants na ang totoo e loans naman, i.e. utang na ang taas ng interest.

Hay, tapos sa Department of Finance pa ako mag-office dahil sila ang implementing agency ng project. Iniisip ko pa lang ang MRT-LRT route ko papuntang Roxas Blvd., nakakapagod na. O yung pagsakay ng Fx byaheng Taft. Tsk.. I'm sure one of these days e I'm bound to lose my wallet or cellphone sa holdaper.

Pero nakaka-excite din yung prospect ng paglipat. Parang ok yung team na makakatrabaho ko, panibagong environment at siguradong kahit may resistance, marami akong matututunan dun. If all else fails, pwede naman siguro ako umalis uli. Ano ba naman ang resignation letter.. which reminds me na kailangan ko nang simulang sulatin to start with.

buhay-baboy

2007-04-12T10:22:00.001+08:00

My apologies to my fellow Catholics who shun meat on Lent but there really is no better way to describe what I ended up doing during the Holy week. I went home to Bulacan to start my vacation, buhay-baboy immediately set in within the first five minutes of my stepping through the door, when I kissed my mother and asked her what’s for lunch. Oh, I have some well-intentioned tasks lined up: go with my mother to her doctor’s check up, go swimming, catch up with my cousins, try out a pasta recipe, practice my driving, meet up with old friends. A list of good intentions. And we all know where that road leads…

Because sometimes, I amaze even myself at the depths of laziness I can sink to. The whole of my Holy week ended up basically spent in an inert, horizontal, and mostly unconscious position. Granted, my home stays are usually lazy, but last week really takes the cake. I usually wake up sometime past 11 AM, gasping, and shrugging. Eating whatever’s left from the breakfast I missed and being the advance party for lunch. Take a bath. Sleep. Read. Sleep. DVD marathon (a chinovela and "24"). Sleep.

In fairness, the past 2 weeks had been very tiring; and I’ve been pulling 10-12-hour workdays while on travel, topped by insane consultants demanding that we work on until the wee hours of the morning. The question now is this: after workweeks like these, is one justified spending a buhay-baboy week, or, should one go out and refresh oneself with non-work stuff – explore the outdoors, spend more time with family, do creative stuff, and last week being Lent, reflect? Because after last week, I did get the feeling – Where did my week go? I mean, I could understand “It started with a kiss,” (cute and funny and you’ll never catch me watching it on any other time) and “24” (though Kim is really annoying), as the sort of things you just have to marathon, although I managed to watch just a few episodes. Xian Qin and Zhi Shu got married, Jack Bauer went on a mission in pursuit to save the world, and where was I? I was asleep.

here we go again

2007-03-21T10:14:00.002+08:00

tama na po. tama na.....

mar16 to 18 - tagum city (davao del norte)
mar19 - manila
mar20 - cebu city
mar21 - lamac, cebu
mar22 - cagayan de oro
mar23 - bulacan (magpapakita naman kay mama)
mar24 to 26 - manila
mar27 - mandaue city (cebu)
mar28 - lapu-lapu city (cebu)
mar29 - lucena city (quezon)
mar30 - manila

100,000 lang pala e

2007-03-12T12:19:00.001+08:00

I was expecting a lot of things from the movie “300,” but I wasn’t expecting it to be funny. I was expecting the grand visuals, the epic story, the heroic characters, and yes, over-developed pectorals, but I wasn’t expecting it to be funny. Those Spartans have mastered the art of trash talking to the grandest degree. If it had been a battle of arrogance they would have handily won with nary a single casualty, never mind Xerxes’ delusions of divinity.

“Nobody’s allowed to die tonight!” “Kneel before you? You see I’m going to have a problem with that. The whole morning spent killing your men has cramped my knees” “We might as well have sent our women to fight, judging from what I’ve seen so far.” Hehe, kulang na lang sabihing “Wala ka sa lolo ko!”

I guess that kind of treatment was just right, because if they’ve taken themselves seriously they would have looked, well, ridiculous. This way, it’s like, we’re going to get killed anyway, might as well have fun doing it. A friend of mine told me that was really the style in the Frank Miller graphic novel, which of course really intrigued me. I wonder if anyone would give me one. ;)

However, the overly-stylized treatment did not really sit well with David Wenham and Rodrigo Santoro, both of which were quite unrecognizable from how they looked in the movies I remember them from, The Lord of the Rings ~~(erase Van Helsing from memory)~~ and Love, Actually. Rodrigo Santoro, especially. I was like, sya yun?? His Xerxes was hilarious. I thought he was just a decoy lyp-synching his lines and the real Xerxes, who would turn out to be James Earl Jones, was hidden somewhere behind. Of course, believing himself to be immortal, Xerxes would see no need for a decoy, and would boldly show himself within spear range of his enemies. Too bad Leonidas missed. As for Faramir, errr, David Wenham, let’s just say that he finally had his Aragornic speech in this movie, and I half expected him to declare “For Frodo!” instead of “To victory” towards the end.

In the movie Letters from Iwo Jima, a friend of mine told me that he kept reminding himself that things won’t turn out better for the Japanese, that they lost the war, that the characters he had been growing sympathy for would very likely die. In 300, everybody knows they’re going to die, and there’s really no sympathy about it, there’s more like glee. I mean, Leonidas would have felt cheated somehow if he’d emerged from that battle alive. He would have done his damnedest to make sure that he died, only asking for eternal glory in return. But of course.

And I don’t agree with those who are complaining that there are too many slow mos in the film. I think that the slash-thrust-parry-occasional-kick fighting style of the Spartans can be developed into an aerobics work-out, complete with shield para may weight training pa, o dava. Calling gym instructors out there, you can offer a “Spartan’s Delight” gym class and maybe, just maybe, I’ll sign. Depends. If the instructor has muscles like Gerard Butler’s, haha. (Actually, the muscles had me a bit bothered. I haven't seen so many overly-sculpted torso and smooth thighs in a long while. Gushes...)

anti-social

2007-03-08T16:22:00.002+08:00

For someone who works in the social sector, I'm decidedly not a social person. Really, one of the best ways to ruin my week is tell me I've got to attend a social function and hobnob with the people there in the name of fostering good corporate/public relations. Work the room, you know - make contacts, give out calling cards, talk about the company and our services, all while determinedly sticking a smile on your face and occasionally letting out your best society laugh. I'm just not the kind of person who thrives in that kind of setting. I generally end up staying in one corner with the people I came with, nibbling on some pastry and just letting my eyes travel around the room, which is of course not exactly what they mean when they say you should "circulate."

It's quite a stretch to throw me into a roomful of people I don't know and expect me to establish some sort of rapport with them. With a script or prepared presentation, probably - if I know what I'm talking about. With an interview guide, yes, give me an interview assignment anytime. But with a cocktail/ hors d'oeuvres in one hand and society laugh at the ready, no, I'm sorry, but no.

More than being a snob (okay, I admit), I think I'm basically, well, shy (yeah, really!). Whether it's the result of genetic makeup, growing up nurturing a lot of insecurities (oh yes, childhood - a minefield of hang ups) I don't know, but I'm shy, at least around strangers. Also, my inability to interact in social situations is probably a combination of shyness and a natural desire to ensure that when I say anything it will be the brightest and wittiest thing the room has heard. Unfortunately, and I think a lot of people will agree with me here - the brightest and wittiest thing the room has heard will occur to you long after the perfect moment for saying it has gone - let's say, while you're on the cab home, or removing your earring, or lying in bed half-asleep. Or maybe even not at all.

It's something that one gets better at with practice, I guess. It's just that I don't know if I want to go through all the hassle.

here's to hoping

2007-02-28T10:15:00.000+08:00

i did not monitor the Oscars and i've got to admit that i'm not well-versed in the contenders for the major categories (i had to ask someone how come the last king of scotland turns out to be about a ugandan dictator, what’s up with that?), but what i did watch out for is for an inconvenient truth to win the best documentary award. and i was hoping that the award will not just be token gesture of appreciation for Al Gore’s climate change campaign - sige, points for effort, since you made such a big deal about it, giving you the award would be the politically-correct thing to do anyway - but be the start of genuine steps taken towards curbing climate change. taking steps would be inconvenient as hell, granted, but are we ready for the consequences of not caring, and of not taking that extra step?

it won.

lovesick

2007-02-22T11:20:00.000+08:00

"love is like handing someone a gun, having them point it at your heart and trusting them to never pull the trigger."

- spongebob

"...but they do and it makes your heart explode into million shattered pieces."

-jenggerts

heart song

2007-02-20T12:19:00.000+08:00

I love music. I sing anywhere when I'm alone to keep me awake or amused. I sing in concerts or in the church, drowned by the crowd. Often times, I sing in the shower, making sure it's not too loud for the housemates to hear. On rare occasions, when the radio or tv is on or my iPod's plugged to my ears, I get carried away. Don't bet on the singing when there are other people around, though. I think I'm incredibly tone-deaf and I'm probably one of the few people I know who hates karaoke and has no plans of owning a Magic Sing.

And inasmuch as I'd love to break into song or sing along to your song, it will take a lot of coaxing to get me to do so. See, I am a music lover. It's just that music doesn't love me back. :(

p.s. let's watch music and lyrics and cheer me up. :D

paying forward

2007-02-14T13:49:00.000+08:00

i don't give much fancy in celebrating valentine's day, but ...

may your day be filled with much love, hugs, kisses, and besos ~~and a lot of s...~~
as hugh grant said, "love... actually... is all around".

here's to hoping that we all see it.
i did. :)

quickie

2007-02-07T19:03:00.000+08:00

Somehow, you gotta update.

I don't have DSL connection anymore since landlord caught landlady with her male and/or female lover(s). It was (un)fortunate that I wasn't home when the incident happened, but according to various accounts of my housemates -- v.1) landlady was caught naked with the same hottie guy I first saw her with; v.2) landlady was caught naked with a butch ex-tenant; or v.3) landlady was caught naked with the hottie guy and the butch all together (I like this version best), v.4) landlady was caught with the hottie and the butch in the middle of a pot session.

We have new pet dogs at home courtesy of my uncle. We named the pups Murdox and Sherlock but because they look exactly the same, we can't tell which is which. My 3-year old cousin Kate wanted to name the pups Mama and Papa and it took a lot of convincing that these aren't exactly dog names. According to Kate, the puppies remind her of her parents and since she stays in our house often, she won't miss her Mama and Papa anymore. Poor puppies.

I officially hate the office, most of the officemates and the office policy that is making me wear office clothes as in blouse, slacks and leather shoes every single day. I get to sneak in with comfy jeans and rubber shoes every now and then, but it gets more difficult these days because they check us during lunch break. I'm still scheming on how to get away from this, perhaps bringing my own food or changing outfit to solve the uniform issue but I guess the best solution to take away all the hatred is to find a new job as soon as possible.

I'm taking dance lessons and loving every minute of it. If I could go back in time, I'd convince myself to join and train with a dance troupe to develop the skills and confidence instead of always shying away when opportunities present itself. I'd also lecture my parents for not encouraging me before in taking ballet lessons seriously. Perhaps if they did I could have majored in the art and pursue a career in dancing eventually, sparing myself from all these development work angst and insanity.

My latest addiction: Heroes, even though I've only managed to watch three episodes so far. "For all his bluster, it is the sad province of Man that he cannot choose his triumph. He can only choose how he will stand when the call of destiny comes... hoping that he'll have the courage to answer.” Go, Hiro Nakamura! And of course, I love Milo Ventimiglia.

I'm 25 by 12am.

outside looking in

2007-01-03T14:55:00.000+08:00

Staying away from making a New Year's resolutions list that I won't be able to fulfill anyway, instead I made other lists that can serve as retrospective for the past year as well as my way of looking forward to this year.

Things I lost in 2006

1. My ... (alam na ni Tere yun)
2. Super sexy, perky, cart wheeling roommate (gimme a U, gimme a P)
3. At least one umbrella (2 got broken, and I might have lost another one, I don't remember)
4. Keys of every door and cabinet I need to open
5. UP Id
6. A few MB of important files
7. Papemelroti calendar slash journal (I swear, para akong may amnesia sa first 5 months ng 2006)
8. The use of a lot of clothes that don’t fit me anymore
9. Countless Pilot G-Tech Pt. 3 (black)
10. Thousands and thousands of hair. I shed like a cat on chemo, it's scary!
11. Maddox :(
12. My sanity (but then again, it can also be argued that I kind of lost that a long time ago)

Firsts in 2006

1. Survey in the rain (Before that, tumagilid ang jeep sa may bangin, sinalubong ang baha at nagmistulang basang sisiw)
2. Caramoan - ganda!
3. 24 Malingap F family nostalgia (huhuhu..)
4. Second job
5. Luz-Vi-Min work-related trips (Tama na po, tama na!)
6. Dealing with expats delirious with first-world arrogance
7. Horrible, horrible battle-hungry green-eyed monster
8. Ipod 30G video

Shopping list for 2007

1. Good pants for the expanding birthing hips
2. Good luggage
3. More girly shoes, good ones (acquiring the habit of using the rest of girly accoutrements - make up, skirts, whatever - are still under very careful consideration)
4. Adrian Mole Diaries (Wilderness and Cappucino Years)
5. MacBook

Things to look forward to in 2007

1. Maximizing the use of my cute Starbucks planner
2. Prospect of more non-work related travel (if otherwise, no thanks)
3. Another raise (I wish!)
4. Dance/short course culinary class (seryoso na to!)
5. New pets
6. Process of attaining some sort of financial maturity - partly comes from recently-acquired, self-imposed obligations (Wow, that sounds so adult and I sound so juvenile for thinking that it sounds so adult)
7. Graduate school developments - whether I'll finish it or not, I can handle it, but dammit, either way, I have to know (oh, but yeah, first I actually have to submit that thesis and time’s running out)
8. ADB Young Professionals Program - whether I'll get in or not, I can handle it, but dammit, either way, I have to know (oh, but yeah, I actually have to finish that MA after all)
9. EP board exam in June
10. If all else fails, a scholarship abroad is worth giving a try

Things that will stay

1. My terrible, terrible habit of procrastination
2. My terrible, terrible paranoia
3. My win-lose battle with weight gain
4. Jam
5. Family and friends
6. This blog

This year I will definitely have a lot of growing up to do.

postscript

2006-12-22T08:28:00.000+08:00

The life expectancy of Filipinos is quite short, about 70 years. That means 70 summers, 70 birthdays, 70 christmases. For a soon-to-be-25 like myself, that's 45 years left. Of that number, less than 25 can be described as "prime years", when the mind and body are at their best.

Life is so finite and yet i've wasted much of this borrowed time dwelling on so many negative things, as if the future has no limits. Once in a while it is good to be reminded not to allow life pass by in complacency, without seizing the opportunities presenting itself and living it to the fullest.

There is a strange relief that comes in knowing and accepting this. Suddenly, the bad things that happened don't matter as much. It becomes easier to focus on more important things and move forward -- a little scared but determined.

untitled

2006-12-18T11:21:00.001+08:00

may mga tanong sa mundo na kahit paulit-ulit mong hanapan ng sagot, mananatili lang ganun - tanong. basta walang paliwanag, maloka ka kakaisip.

parang mga taong pilit mong inuunawa, pero di mo lang talaga maintindihan o ayaw kasi talaga magpaintindi syo.

parang yung lungkot na bigla na lang babalot sa puso mo ng walang kada-kadahilan, hanggang kainin nito ang buo mong pagkatao.

parang mga bagay na kahit di mo nakikita o nahahawakan, alam mong nandyan yun. lingering in the air, ika nga. pero di mo naman talaga ma-pinpoint kung ano o baka natatakot ka lang din kasi na sa pagbibigay mo dito ng pangalan, mabubuhay at magiging totoo na ito.

parang masamang panaginip na kahit incoherent ang pag-iisa-isa mo sa detalye, damang-dama mo pa rin yung takot. o lungkot.

parang mga masasakit na salitang nabitawan - nakakasakit kasi totoo. tapos kapag hinilom na ng panahon ang sugat, meron pa rin namang mga peklat na naiiwang remembrance.

parang mga paalam na kahit ilang ulit na i-rehearse ng utak mo, di ka pa rin talaga handa kapag dumating. mapapaupo ka na lang sa isang sulok, walang kalaban-laban at puno ng walang katapusang tanong.

eternal recurrence

2006-12-05T15:15:00.000+08:00

--hardcore
Hindi ko alam, hindi ko alam kung ano gusto ko. Ni hindi ko nga alam kung susulat ako sa Ingles o Filipino ngayon. Kung ano na lang siguro maisipan.

I thought it would be one hell of an experience being a development project manager. Yes, it is hardcore and I haven't even done much. The problem is, I don't even enjoy what I'm doing now. It's not my "thing" anymore and I want to quit but that would take a toll on my so-called career big time. So I just have to finish what's left and do something fabulous to leave as a souvenir.

--hindi ako dakila
Ayoko ng ganito kalaking responsibilidad. Siguro nga, ako yung spoiled, yung spoonfed. Mahirap yung pagkabalik mo pa lang sa isang byahe, nilalabas mo pa lang yung mga damit mo sa maleta, malalaman mo na may byahe ka na naman.

Hindi ako dakila!

Hindi naman ako tamad sa pagkakakilala ko sa sarili ko. Pero hindi rin ako yung tipong go-go-go! Basta above average, ok na ko. Sakto lang. Maybe I'm sensationalizing the whole thing. Maybe this is not for me. I suspect I'm not cut-up for this one.

--i just want my smile back
Lumalabas tuloy lahat ng issues ko all over again.
Nakakaburat.
Sana masayahin pa rin akong tao. Sana di ako naging pessimist, very optimistic naman ako dati, maniwala kayo. Sana rin naging mas maganda ako o mas mayaman, o mas payat o mas matangkad.
Baka naman hindi talaga ko dapat sa development work?
Sana natutunan kong mabuti ang mga lessons nun sa math.
Sana di ako yung tipong madaling mang-dismiss ng mga bagay-bagay.
Sana alam ko kung ano gusto ko.
Escapist na yata ako.
I don't want a desk job, pero nakakapagod na ang byahe ng byahe.
I want a meaningful, defined existence that I wouldn't mind working my ass off for it. That would be a perfect setup.
Okay na sana dito dati, psychological salary (obsolete naman kasi ang value ng sweldo ko), sense of "making the world a better place to live in", tour around the country and all.
Pero sana lang, may oras namang matira para sa sarili ko.

--dapat adaptable ang tao. kase kung hindi, 'di mawawalan ng reason para mag-whine.
Oo na, reklamador ako. Alam ko naman yung gagawin ko pero since hindi na nga sya masaya, parang ang hirap ibigay yung best mo. Ayoko namang isipin na I'm underperforming kase kinakarir ko naman to.
Appealing maging slacker but I have bills to pay. Masyadong maraming negative vibes sa trabaho ko at delikado yon para sa pessimist na tulad ko. Tatanda ako kaagad at this rate. Nasa akin ba yon kung pano ko pasasayahin ang sarili ko?
Oo, usapang happiness na to. Matakot ka na.

--so young and so jaded
I have aged jaded. I don't trust people anymore, I'm starting to imagine things. I have problems with "real" emotions. I'm one of the superficial people I abhor.
Gusto kong matulog. Magshopping. Gumimik kasama ng mga kabarkada ko. Manood ng sine, ng tv, ng DVD. Magbasa ng magbasa ng magbasa ng libro. Maglambing. Manood ng gigs sa '70s or sa Conspiracy. Maglakad sa acad oval. Kumain ng spicy seafood noodles at crispy wanton sa Ministop. Mangstalk ng mga tao sa Friendster. Makipag-chat. Magdownload ng magdownload sa limewire. Magbakasyon. Magpa-spa..
Masyadong madali yung buhay na gusto ko, siguro nga.
Pero sino ba naman ang gusto ng hirap?

--angst is making the third-world yuppie head go round
Gusto kong maging tulad ng ibang tao. Yung ganon ka-cool, slacker na hindi.
Gusto kong magsulat na ng thesis. Gusto kong mag-travel o mag-aral sa abroad.
Basta wag na lang gumawa ng relared sa trabaho ko.
Ayoko na ring maging groupie, at gusto ko na yatang maging housewife.
At walang hihirit, pwede?
Kung tutuusin, dapat ok na rin ako dahil medyo stable na dito. Maayos naman ang exposure pero laging lang talagang may sablay.
Bibigay ka rin pag di ka na talaga masaya.
Cliche pero totoo.
Naalala ko tuloy sabi ni Gerry, yung paborito kong prof nung undergrad na dito ang pangarap ng mga taga-Socio, ang ma-immerse sa development work. Pero di ko pinangarap to, nalilito tuloy ako kung ano pa ang dapat kong pangarapin since, allegedly, nandito na ko.
Fun is the key word.
Kaya bilib ako dun sa mga resign lang ng resign kapag tinopak.
Ikaw, masaya ka ba sa trabaho mo?

sabi nga ni karla, nakaka-galet!

2006-11-29T13:45:00.000+08:00

Pramis, isa na yata 'to sa mga pinakanakaka-windang na pag-uusap na napagdaanan ko sa buong buhay ko:

Sa Taweng's sa may kanto ng Abad Santos, sa may palengke malapit sa Metrobank, sa Tagum City sa Davao del Norte, 12:45 ng tanghali, ika-29 ng Nobyembre. Bumili ako ng tanghalian.

Ako: Pancit molo with biscocho tsaka banana split

Kahera: Ma'am, may drinks po ba?

Ako: Umm... wala na lang

Kahera: Ay hindi po pwede yung walang drinks

Ako: (napatigil ng konti) O-kaay... tinanong mo pa kasi ako e

Kahera: Ma'am tinatanong po talaga yon

Ako: (nagpipigil na) Wala naman akong choice e, hindi pala pwedeng wala

Kahera: (medyo lito na rin pero nangangatwiran pa, baka sakaling lumusot) Pwede nyo naman po kasing hindi kunin yung drinks ma'am.

Meaning ganon pa din yung bayad mo pero may choice ka na huwag na kuhanin yung drinks? Parang gusto ko nang lumingon-lingon sa paligid, baka may camera ng "wow mali" o kaya "boiling points" na nakatago.

Ako: A hindi, yung may drinks na

Gustong-gusto ko na mang-away ng mga sandaling yon kasi nakakaloko na talaga sya at parang kailangan ko din ng outlet sa mga pinagdaanang saloobin nitong mga nagdaang araw, pero pinigilan ko na lang ang sarili ko. In fairness hindi naman mataray yung kahera, pero parang wala talaga sya sa katinuan ng pag-iisip kung makipag-usap. Bumalik na ako sa table ko kahit wala pa yung sukli. Baka kung magtagal pa ako doon at magsalita ulit ng kung ano yung kahera e masabunutan ko na sya.

Habang ninanamnam ko yung pagkain ko, unti-unting naalis ang inis ko at napalitan ng hindi mapigilang pagngiti (actually, natatawa na talaga ako pero pinipigilan ko na lang talaga kasi mag-isa lang ako nun at baka pagtinginan ako ng mga tao). Pagkalabas ko ng Taweng's hanggang makabalik ulit ng coop, at habang sinusulat ko ito ngayon, halos hindi ako tumitigil sa pagngisi. Sumasakit tuloy ang pisngi ko sa pagpipigil.

Napag-isip-isip ko ngayon, typical na Pinoy reaction yung ginawa ko. Daanin sa tawa kahit hindi naman nakakatuwa yung nangyari. Palampasin na lang. Umiwas sa abala at gulo. Panggagago man ng kahera ng Taweng's o pangungurakot ng opisyal ng gobyerno, yung eksena nung Linggo sa SM sa Family First kasama si Jam at Jihan (subukan ko itong ikwento sa susunod), kayang daanin ng Pinoy sa tawa.

Ang iniisip ko kasi nun, ayoko namang lumabas na nang-aaway ng kahera. Pero kahit kahera ka pa man o presidente ng kompanya, ahente ng insurance o kung ano pa, hindi ka naman dapat nangga-gago ng tao diba? Napag-isip-isip ko ngayon, dapat pala pinagsabihan ko man lang yung kahera, kesa naman windangin nya lahat ng bibili sa kanya sa tanong nyang yun. Kaya pag naligaw kayo ng Davao, sa parteng yun ng Tagum o kahit saang lugar pa basta mangyari sa inyo yun, sana huwag nyong palampasin. Ibawi nyo na lang ako.

At oo nga pala, nung inabot na sakin nung kasamahan nung kahera yung order ko, wala yung drinks. Binalikan ko pa yung kahera at tinanong kung nasan na yung drinks ko. Sagot lang nya, "Ay hindi po ba kayo nabigyan?"

Kaka-windang talaga.

enough, please

2006-11-20T17:20:00.000+08:00

Okay, I admit. I am getting really fat but does that give people the right to rub it in my face whenever they feel like it? It happens all the time, like, someone (friend, family, former officemate, new office manang) would take a look at me, realize that I'm growing way too huge for my own good, and be unable to resist the urge to come up to me and tell me about it, probably thinking, "Oh no, I can't possibly let her go through life this way, I have to do something." And so for the nth time in my life I would get to hear the remark "Tumataba ka" or some derivative of it.

My own mother, for goodness' sake, never fails to mention it every time I come home in the weekends. She greets me with "Nakupo, kalaki na ni Jen-Jen," as if it's some gruesome fact that she's managed to shove at the back of her mind during the days she doesn't see me, only to have to face up to it again every time I walk in the door. Remarks about my size has joined her usual motherly litanies, along with "Parang wala nang nangyari sa MA mo" and "Mag-asawa ka na kaya nang mapirmi ka. Byahe ka ng byahe" I actually miss those days when she was just scolding me for sleeping too much and not helping out more around the house.

And it's not just my mother. My sister also never fails to point out the painfully (and hugely) obvious. My sister told me the other day, "Siguro kung ganyan kalaki ang tyan ko, sobrang depressed na ko." Well excuuuuuse me for not equating my sense of well-being with my waist line.

I know these people mean well, it's just that I guess I've heard the comments far too often -- it's not funny anymore. I just pretend that it's funny; I give a short laugh and ruefully say, "Yeah, I know, I know." I'm a non-confrontational person, and I don't want to be too defensive or sensitive about it; it's not like I can just scream, "Well, so what?"

What gets to me is the implied judgment in those remarks. They're not just statements of fact or even observation, along with the remarks are the implied messages saying it's my fault that I got to be this way, it's my fault that I'm not doing anything about it. Well then, if it's my fault then it should be my business, right? Right.

naman!

2006-11-02T01:07:00.002+08:00

ayoko muna yata ng byahe pagkatapos..

oct 30-31, lucena city
nov 1, bulacan*
nov 2, lucena city
nov 3, vigan, ilocos sur
nov 4, bangued, abra
nov 5, batac, ilocos norte
nov 6, iloilo city
nov 7, san jose, antique
nov 8, lahug, cebu
nov 9, cagayan de oro
nov 10, manila

* nasa bahay ng less than 24 hours

teacher, teacher, look o!

2006-10-21T00:04:00.000+08:00

she is my sister
we are of one blood
ergo, she is perfect.

happy 21st birthday! :D

you make me smile

2006-10-20T14:44:00.000+08:00

dear eric,

sorry, di na ako nakapag-paalam syo pero gusto ko lang ipaalala na may utang ka pang dinner sa akin tsaka aso (sige, subukan mong paamuin yung galing sa PAWS) at wag ka nang magpapakalbo uli -- mukha kang apa ng icecream. wag mo na ding pagtripan si hartz, kawawa ka naman kapag inupakan ka nun. dun ka na lang sa cebuanang maganda ang kuko sa paa.

at tandaan mo yung sinabi ko tungkol sa pagsusuot ng pantalong bitin tsaka medyas na hanggang masel ng binti. atin-atin na lang yun, oki?

at salamat pala sa blue october. i love!

there's some kind of light at the end
when touching the edge of her skin

once so hard to speak
now so easy to play around catching your eye you know
that eye that slaps you in your face
and calls you a puppy
well how do you say i was hypnotized
hypnotized

there's some kind of light at the end
stoned, forgetfut, unthin
i'm drinking what used to be sin and touching the edge of her skin
could you be the one that's not afraid to look me in the eye?
i swear i would collapse if i would tell how i think you fell from the sky

non-clacker

2006-10-18T17:15:00.000+08:00

I am no fashionista and I have no fashion sense whatsoever, I'll never be caught dead wearing stilettos, and I eat loads of carbs - but nevertheless I thoroughly enjoyed watching The Devil Wears Prada. Meryl Streep, as expected, is such a gem - that last frame is such a winner - she was so good one can hardly imagine anybody else playing the character. As for the story, my inability to even recognize designer names notwithstanding (I don't even see what was so horrible about Anne Hathaway's clothes prior to her fashion transformation), I was able to relate to some, well, truths that can be gleaned from the movie.

Going from size 6 to 4 is easy - in movies.

You can walk dogs, dodge traffic, take subways, talk on the phone - while wearing three-inch designer heels. Well, this one might be a little bit suspect, but of course, I don't know anything about it.

On certain especially stressful days, gritting your teeth and muttering "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job" will not always work.

Coming from a very demanding boss, the I'm-disappointed-at-you speech never fails to turn you into a complete sobbing pathetic wreck. My boss is not exactly the devil, but - yay.

Work ethic-wise - it's one thing to do what you're supposed to do, but there's a different kind of satisfaction that can be experienced from going the extra mile and surpassing expectations. (Right, Charvie? Right.)

If you don't like the person you're turning into because of your work (or any undertaking for that matter) and you're actually fortunate enough to recognize it, there's nothing wrong with walking away. (Right, Jeng? ~~Wrong~~. Right.)

Surprisingly, the movie goes beyond your usual chick-flick breeziness and actually manages to make viewers think, question themselves, and oh, yeah, laugh your heart out. Fun, fun, fun.

Alas, it's still not enough to turn me into a fashion fanatic. Tsk, tsk, my girlie gene, it seems, is not only recessive, it's non-existent.

RM. 8

2006-10-18T11:34:00.000+08:00

sakto!

ayoko nang pumasok
sa dating silid
umupo
sa parehong upuan
ano ba ang bago?
wala naman

naiinip
mainit
wala pang pamaypay
o papel
na susulatan

buntong-hininga
at buntong-hininga pa
bilang bawat minutong
dumadaan
nababagot
lagi naman

masaya
lumipad ang isip
palabas
sa dating silid
at di papasok
hanggang uwian

chem class
2:20 - 3:40 PM
mrs. cajigas
1996

autumn

2006-10-09T10:14:00.000+08:00

i see memories flying with dry leaves, conniving with the wind to take them farther than my imagination could ever fathom. they will be preserved there, wherever that is. and i would be preserved, too, as i kiss you and rekindle my memories of your love intact in some place i cannot visit...

here's where the story ends

2006-10-01T20:44:00.000+08:00

Tomorrow will be a very special day. Officially, it will be my first day as the "new" one at NATCCO and I'm saying goodbye as IPHM's ranting, subversive wild-child. Surely, three and a half years is three and a half years, I will not even attempt to summarize that in this entry.

But let me express an assortment of emotions towards the people I had worked with in the course of my stay there: anger, happiness, exasperation, relief, shock, guilt ... and yes of course, there is love.

Some of you I've known longer than the others, some of you I'll forever look up to, some of you I only had a chance to share a few laughs, some of you I trust with my deepest darkest secrets, some of you, forever I am indebted.

Though I never really had the chance to express it, I had a great time working with you and there may be times my fondness fade due to annoyance (mostly), the good times we shared still outweigh the bad. And now, let it be left unsaid that I'm thanking you all for shaping my chosen path, for sharing a list of my firsts, for bearing with the way I am most of the times, and for being the people I'd like to call my friends.

*cyber-hug*

how sweet it is to be loved by you

2006-09-22T00:06:00.000+08:00

dahil sobra kang mabait at sa kasobrahan nito, gusto na kitang sapakin. dahil syo ko natutunan na mahal ang pagmamahal pero mapapamura ka rin. dahil marami pa akong isusumbong syong mga bagay-bagay na sa kalaunan ay gagamitin mo ding pang-blackmail sa akin. dahil marami pa tayong mga payo sa isa't isa na di susundin. dahil marami pa tayong kwentong paulit-ulit na pag-uusapan hanggang umaga (kasabay ng vcut at sprite ice pero di na nga lang siguro sa ministop). dahil marami pa tayong pagpaplanuhang gimik at/o business (na alam naman nating 25% lang ang chance na mangyayari). dahil marami pa tayong pagnanasahan at ookrayin. dahil sa kabila ng di natin madalas na pagkikita, alam kong nandyan ka lang palagi para sa akin at ako din naman syo lalo na at bubuuin pa natin ang tere-toro loveteam. (pero baka kasi rissa-risso, theresa-thereso, maria-mario ang combo).

basta, happy birthday kapatid. haylabshu!:D

(how shall i describe it now, for words cannot recall the alchemy of the skies and clouds
the yellow breeze wrapping us in silken folds stirring our dullest senses

days when the sun is cloaked behind the clouds and stays that way all the day long)

i think i'll start it over where no one knows my name

2006-09-19T02:14:00.000+08:00

I'm swamped with things to do left and right - work, raket, acads (kunwari), I haven't had my 8-10 hours worth of sleep in days, cough and colds are acting up because of the stress, my eyes are turning red for no particular reason, I just had another stupid where-is-my-wallet-with-cash-to-liquidate-and-receipts-to-reimburse episode which I haven't really gotten over yet. All these are going on, and yet I just have to stop for a few minutes and write about the humongous food trip that was my Davao weekend.

I've been to Davao 4 times but only this last one that I get to eat fresh durian - 6 varieties all in all. Coincidently, Tagum City, our official destination, is celebrating a month-long celebration of its local produce so we got to partake in an eat-all-you-can treat, durian style. I think the taste is ok, especially the native varieties, but the smell can get overwhelming; it lingers even in your burp.

Checked out Jack's Ridge and the croc farm instead, when Ruth and I failed to wake up at 6am on Sunday to be able to go to Samal Island since we weren't really prepared (no camera, swim gear, etc) for the beach (bitter, bitter, bitter..). I enjoyed Jack's garden fresh salad and fish fillet, though the view's better there during nighttime for sure. And I didn't quite like the croc farm except for the crocodiles they breed. They've other animals and birds in solitary cages, and I'm totally against that just for people's enjoyment.

Our hosts insisted that we feast on a delightful and, admittedly, excessive meal at Aling Luz's Kinilaw in downtown Davao City. There were six of us and we ordered everything tuna (kinilaw na tuna, grilled tuna belly, buntot ng tuna), a giant grilled squid and a piping hot bowl of sinigang na isda. The sinigang came in this humongous bowl one can practically swim in. And while I forever heart Trellis' sinigang sa miso (which is no longer available), it was still marvelous. My favorite was the grilled squid with sili-toyo-mansi. And oh, we had gallons of fresh buko juice, served diligently by the ever-attentive waitress who kept filling up our glasses.

Having had our fill, we headed out to the next destination: Lachi's. We knew we were too full and realized we should have paced ourselves, but we just couldn't miss going to one of the city's famous dessert places. And oh. my. god. Ruth and I spent like ten minutes just gushing over the display at the counter, going back and forth from the main counter to the refrigerator display, just exclaiming ''wow!'' ''gosh" and more of such inanities. You'd think we've never seen desserts in Manila. Of course we have! It was just, I don't know, special. My mouth, which was already opened and gaping from all the gushing, fell open a bit more as I was struck speechless for a moment.. Wala akong dalang camera! Huhuhu... Surely I can visit here again and take pictures, right?

I took a looong time to plow through the goodies, since of course I was still struggling to digest all that seafood to make more room in my stomach. I am ashamed to say I was not able to finish all of my blueberry cheesecake, and that it pains my heart now to remember that a small piece was left on my plate. At the time, though, it was simply too much to take.

But there'll be a next time. I'll be back, I pwamis.

closure

2006-09-11T13:08:00.000+08:00

I love the pair of shoes I wore yesterday. It is an open-toed, apple green pump. Bought it with my sister a few weeks back, in a moment of total impulsiveness. I don't exactly wear kikay shoes because I don't think I do them much justice. I actually haven't owned one since my black ballerina flats, which are not exactly kikay as one would imagine, but I think this one's growing on me.

I contemplated to not attend my godchild's christening yesterday. A week ago, I had a trip to Davao on the same day, which was a perfect excuse, till it was moved this weekend. Then I had another raket offer in Bicol, but due to some logistics problem, I had to turn down. Sensibilities then told me that it's definitely a go even if I managed to wake up at 10:30am on Sunday (which is too early, in my opinion), left the house around 11:20 and arrived in Plaridel where I was to meet Karla at 12. Ohh, did I mention the mass starts at 12 and the church is a good 5-10 minutes away still? And dimwit, I don't have a decent envelope with me save the stinky one mama handed before I left. Good thing there was 711 where I got ripped off with a 10-piece pack.

I'm not exactly ecstatic in going and I do have my apprehensions because my inaanak happened to be the son of a former potential ex and we have, or I think I have within me, some unfinished business to settle. A reckoning of sorts.

And the conclusion is that Mau, the guy that never was.. will never be. Yes, seeing him yesterday was like a reaffirmation of my decisions, our decisions 5 years ago at AS 2nd floor lobby (I think it was a humid Tuesday afternoon). It was not just meant to work for us and I can sincerely say that I'm happy for him and his new family as I am happy for myself and with what I have.

There, amidst faces old and new, I wasn't awkward or self-conscious; I had a grin. In my apple green shoes, I had never felt so self-assured.

a moment of silence

2006-09-05T20:57:00.000+08:00

may he rest in peace in crocodile heaven.
but seriously, i was a huge fan at alam kong peborit nyo rin sya.

para sa ating lahat

2006-08-15T18:51:00.000+08:00

I normally delete spam messages outright, but this one really caught my eye.

After the obligatory "Prolong your ssex. You have small peniiis? Add 3 inches in lenght!" come on and link to the website (which no, I did not click) came this two-liner footer that seemed to come from some sort of aphorism generator - with a little bit typo here and there. Here's what it said:

"A sprat to catch a mackerel. Work is the curse of the drinking classes. It never rains, but it pours. Lear from the past, live for today, look for tomorrow, take a nap this afternoon. Fogiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the foot that crushed it."

I love it! I so can relate, well, not on the peniiis thing, of course. :D

And oh, the email began, right before the prolong your sex thing, with the salutation "Dear Member." mwahahahahaha. Yes, that was one junk mail I actually did not mind getting because it made me laugh in the middle of a crazy day.

happy thoughts

2006-08-07T20:09:00.000+08:00

i've always suspected that i'd fall in love in a big way, and i did...

i'm glad it's you..

oh, i meant you.. :D

belated happy birthday!

penance

2006-08-07T09:52:00.000+08:00

It's one of those days when you're forced to take a long hard look at yourself and realize you don't like what you see, worse, that you're surprised, at what you've become. All along you were holding yourself on relatively high esteem, at least judgment-wise. You thought you were a sensible, thoughtful, positive person. But then you realize, you're just like everyone else.

To be called out on a question of character - justly - that is just so mortifying. being reprimanded for something work-related, an unaccomplished task, an oversight, some typographical blooper, is bad enough, but at least you know such things are bound to happen. Things go wrong. People make mistakes. But to be confronted on a question of character, it's just something I find very hard to deal with. I accept the liability, I admit I was wrong. I apologized and my apologies were accepted and I was told that it was over. That's fine, it's just that I'm not sure I can forgive myself quite so easily. I was not aware that I was letting my character be compromised, that I was letting myself be caught in a spiral of resentment and rebelliousness, and most of all, that I was hurting other people. I can't defend myself and say that my feelings and actions were justified or provoked, because that's not even the point. The point is, given this set of circumstances, I acted the way I did and the way I acted did not really show my character in the best light as if im turning into this villain. It's weird, I never really looked at myself as a bitchy person. Just not at first glance, as it turned out.

some random things

2006-06-21T21:24:00.000+08:00

I have a problem with anger management - not in controlling it, but in expressing it. I'm such a wimp and would like to avoid all types of confrontation as much as possible. Back in Grade 2, I was the class "peacemaker", actually going back and forth between two warring parties in an attempt to resolve what must have been earth-shaking-eight-year-old's disputes. I would kneel beside the desk of Girl A, presenting Girl B's side of the issue, while Girl A would sit staring straight ahead and snootily say, "Sabihin mo sa kanya..yada-yada-yada". I can't remember for the life of me whether I was a great success at those peacekeeping missions, but it must have been a hit-or-miss affair because apparently I stopped doing it after grade 2. Probably, at the ripe old age of 8, I was disillusioned at the certain futilities of conflict resolution. Tipong, a bahala na nga kayo sa buhay nyo!

Now, Big Boss had the perfect idea of delegating me as the official mediator between her and Next-to-Big-Boss, after they had a row on some project that Next-to-Big-Boss manages. Every so often, I end up telling white lies in order not to aggravate the already tension-filled communication lines between them. I do hope they get to make peace really soon, after all, they are kumares. I get too worked up with all the drama.

I have discovered time and again that I am just not built for take home weekend work. Whenever I go home to the province on weekends, it's like I'm entering a time warp, or maybe a refuge, and you should not, not, attempt to intrude with bothersome city/work concerns. Leave me be with my big bed, my 12 noon wake-up time, and Kate, my two-year old super adorable cousin.

I'm not a morning person. Not a Monday person either. Tuesdays I'm generally frazzled doing work I was supposed to do on Monday. Wednesdays I'm working on tasks to cover my ass for my Tuesday deadlines. Thursdays I'm recovering from the strain of it all. Fridays I'm too wound up in anticipation for the weekend, I'm generally no use. I'm actually at my best during weekends, when I go home to the province and - see above paragraph.

LSS

2006-06-12T13:08:00.000+08:00

dahil sa may kung anong ka-dramahan tayo sa ngayon.. :D

Iisa by Gary Granada

Minsa'y nasanay na nang nasanay
Sa konting konswelong aliw
Sa dinamidaming pasikutsikot ng buhay
Napakadaling mabaliw

Kung ikaw ay nanlalamig
Ako ay nakikinig at nakakaintindi
At sa hibang na daigdig
Ay mayron kang kakampi

Ang pangarap mo'y pangarap ko
Ang pasanin mo'y pasanin ko
Ang damdamin mo'y damdamin ko sinta
Ang kalayaan mo'y kalayaan ko
Ang digmaan mo'y digmaan ko
Ang buhay mo at buhay ko'y iisa

At kung ang karamihan ng buhay
Pakikipagsapalaran
Nakataya ang pag-ibig kong tunay
Sa lahat ng labanan

Kahit ano'ng daratnan
Hindi pagsisisihan, ako ay naririto
Sa kadulu-duluhan
Handang sumama sa iyo

Ang pangarap mo'y pangarap ko...
Ang pangarap mo'y pangarap ko...

Buhay mo at buhay ko'y iisa

inventing memory

2006-06-08T12:06:00.000+08:00

My mind is so full. Pissed off, depressed, demoralized, in despair. In despair over my lost purple kit, with my pocket calendar/journal, notebook and UP ID inside. I torture myself with what-ifs and you-should-haves. Or more to the point, shouldn't have. Shouldn't have been too stupid to search something on board a tricycle at night, and a tricycle with no lights at that. Pissed off that during those few seconds of searching, I had to get it out of my bag and failed to put it back while frantically searching my bag's contents. It didn't occur to me to take a second glance and check if I dropped anything during my search. All I did was dash off the moment the driver got paid.

The kit itself and its contents actually don't amount to much; they're practically worthless. A pocket calendar-turned-journal, a notebook half-filled with pointless thoughts and random rantings, a fading photograph of my UP identity that didn't do me justice. But on second thought, I feel like I lost a limb, or my heart stopped beating and I feel so hollow. It feels like a part of my existence, pieces of my memory got washed away down the drain and I won't be able to reconstruct it anymore.

I know, I know, most of you are thinking "What, she lost something again in a span of 3 weeks? (yes, I lost that green coin purse from Jane and all the keys of all the cabinets and doors I have to open everyday). Believe me, I've castigated myself over those already.

I haven't figured yet if I'd go check the tricycle operator and see if the driver turned it in. And I'm worrying that I ~~might~~ have written some juicy entries on some people especially when I'm in a not so better mood (combat-battle-banshee-mode), that there are premium blackmail materials there against me. I guess I'll do what I should have done long ago and organize my belongings properly and hope that somehow there are still miracles in this world.

pet peeves

2006-06-06T21:50:00.000+08:00

Transcript of an interesting phone sms exchange I had moments ago. Sent a message to a friend I haven't touched base with for a while:

Me: oist, nag-birthday ka nga pala last week, di ka man lang nagpakain! hmp... (smiley face)
Reply: Gud pm po, may I know hu u?
Me: potaaa! binura mo na number ko? sige maglimutan na tayo! (smiley face)
Reply: Sorry po tlg bk nasa 1 cp ko kc nagplit me ng cp eh nacra kc cp me n 1. Hu u please

I swear I am not making this up. I'm copying down the message exactly as I received it. At this point I should have known something was not right. My friend has a lot of faults, but at least he doesn't compose sentences that way.

Me: keribels, jengtots po to no. (smiley face)
Reply: jengtots? kilala ba u me?

Okay, I knew something was up.

Me: teka, si darwin ba to?

With this, my "friend" suddenly took on yet another entirely different personality.

Reply: Nextym nga kilalanin u muna tnitx u b4 u say badwords ha! Wg u me minumura dhl ni 1 butil ng knin d u me pnkain bk gs2 u ipakilala ko sau ang potaaa na cnsbi u

Geez, what happened to all the "po" and "please"?

Me: ngars, sowee. saka di mura yon, that's just an expression. ito kasing ginagamit nyang number before e. kilala mo ba sya?

No reply. It's just as well, I guess.

See, what probably happened was that my friend's phone got stolen and the thief was the one using it (or else the hapless person who bought it from the thief). What was bugging me was, shemay, nakaw na phone na nga ginagamit mo ikaw pa matapang? at di ka man lang nagpalit ng sim. kups!

And I don't understand why the person would get all pissed at a simple case of mistaken identity. And why he/she should be so dense as to take the "potaaa" thing personally. And why, for crying out loud, did he/she have to pepper sentences with those pesky "me" and "u" inanities, if we're going to rail at some stranger, can't we at least use proper pronouns? Stuff like these, really tick me off or send me into uncontrollable laughing fits. whichever works.

happy birthday, papa

2006-05-31T21:47:00.000+08:00

tamad lang talaga lately ang iyong panganay (kay #2), pero di ka po nya nakalimutan.

love,
jenjen

more than ever

2006-04-25T13:49:00.000+08:00

you're probably asleep by now, with no tv, internet or me to distract you. i try to think as if you're back home in naga, enjoying your sembreak; but the fact that you're just 45 minutes away is enough for me to do flip-flops. i know this is way harder on your part, far from everything comfortable and familiar; but i am consoled that you are doing this for all unselfish reasons there could be, beyond proving something to yourself or to anyone.

and so i will not defeat your purpose by showing any sign of weakness; i will not tell you that im missing you so badly and that i would have preferred that you stayed. don't you worry, i'll be ok.
i am ok.

it's just that i need you here and i need you so much closer.
but i wouldn't tell you that either.

for dale who made a really nice notebook for me

2006-04-20T18:53:00.000+08:00

i don't exactly have an impressive track record when it comes to keeping journals, the pen-and-paper type at that, or even here, apparently. entries would come in erratically, sometimes coming in several times a week, then nothing for months on end. in this fashion my notebooks sometimes took years to fill up.

but fill up they eventually would, because no matter how distracted or busy or lazy i become, at some point in time i would feel the need to rant, reflect, recount. and i would write. it can be some silly thing, or some indignant tirade i just had to get off my chest, or an adrian mole/bridget jones knock off. whatever. i would write. there's always that.

until the last (in)decent journal i had in 2001 that allowed me to pour in all my embarrassing, blackmail-worthy scribblings for the past 4-5 years, unfortunately met with disaster when i left it somewhere in my old dorm's lobby. the person who found it turned it over to the house council, who were too nosy to read some of my juicy entries on dorm personalities i didn't like, and eventually made its way to the next lampoon issue (should have gotten a royalty for that). of course, i was too embarrassed to make a claim for it by then. thankfully, i never mentioned full names and even used codes for some. there exists some printout of entries i really liked (attempts at poetry and some other lit forms) that i saved in my old pc, but that's strictly for private consumption now. in fact, the only reason that i'm now admitting to authoring that diary was because i know people won't be able to read what i wrote there anymore, or if they do, they won't be able to trace it back to me (i hope!).

i think i'll miss the anonymity that diary offered, but well, i also think that i'm too old not to take full responsibility for what i write, no matter how silly.

yes, let me be silly, let me be insane. i can't help being any other way anyway.

therefore, im a harlot

2006-04-19T15:21:00.000+08:00

sa sobrang tawa ko kagabi, napa-research tuloy ako!

apparently, the word harlot used to refer to a particular kind of man in the beginning of the 13th century. then, it meant "a man of no fixed occupation, vagabond, beggar," and soon afterwards meant "male lecher", in short a man who is so dugyot (bum, tambay, etc.). during the 14th century, the term was also used as a derogatory word for female prostitutes or to a jester/juggler of both sexes. however, by the end of the 17th century, its use referring to males totally disappeared.

at sabi sa www.freedictionary.com, harlot is a noun referring to a woman who engages in sexual intercourse for money and is synonymous to a bawd, cocotte, cyprian (taga-Cyprus?), fancy woman (para ba itong fancy jewelry, in short fake?), lady of pleasure (a.k.a Ligaya ang itawag mo sa akin), prostitute, sporting lady (so, athletes?), tart (we ate some last night), whore, woman of the street (taong kalye, palaboy), working girl (see, tama naman pala si gremlin, karla. o, well. sort of. :)

beyond the deep blue

2006-04-02T20:40:00.000+08:00

for a person who claims to be a beach person, im ashamed to say that i don't know how to swim. and so tomorrow at day break, i'll brave the algae-infested and murky waters of the UP swimming pool to be one with my element.

i might falter and sink many times, but i promise, i shall conquer...
this i swear to the sands of puerto galera, pagudpod and caramoan. so help me god!

525,600 minutes and more

2006-03-31T00:05:00.000+08:00

i just got back from a breather, and boy did it feel good. me and a bunch of officemates watched rent and it was simply worth raving about. no wonder its original form as a musical is among if not the longest running broadway production.

we went all the way to makati to watch because only glorietta and greenbelt cinemas are showing the movie. we tried to catch the 6pm slot but some last minute office errand and the usual terrible traffic made it impossible and had us settling for 8pm. to pass the time, we had dinner first at the foodcourt where we saw this basketball player whom we think to be samboy lim, though not so sure. basta PBA player sya. then we had some photo-ops beside manfred (mental note: watch ice age next) but still too early for the next screening that ms. usherette wont let us in. we had to wait a good 10 minutes in line outside laughing and goofing around only to realize that we were in the wrong theater when ms. usherette checked our tickets before letting us in. haha. boblats!

inside the right theater, hartz was busy giving remarks, charvie enjoying the cutie boys and sealdi and i emoting song after song. there were so many awww.... moments and all us 4 seem to be all hyped up that we were giggling like teenagers all the time. kulang na lang mag-awoooohhh like mimi, which by the way disappointed hartz when she ended up alive. i just love the plot, i love the characters, i love the songs. i am especially moved by angel and collins' affair, another gay moment in my book. hay, who wouldn't want to be covered with a thousand sweet kisses?

it was past 11 after the movie and was raining a bit hard. we went around glorietta trying to get a taxi then decided to get the bus then changed back to getting a taxi for security reasons. in between we had photo-ops again beside window ads, mannequins, billboards. we were hysterical! people were already staring at us but it was so much fun. i haven't been a rascal in a long, long time and it feels good to be so carefree. oh, well. viva la vie boheme!

all the way down

2006-03-20T00:49:00.000+08:00

TEN men you find sexy
1. brad pitt
2. marc abaya
3. gael garcia bernal
4. heath ledger
5. brandon boyd when he sings stellar
6. tyson beckford
7. paul walker in into the blue
8. brendan fehr in roswell
9. (younger) val kilmer in batman forever
10. james blunt in his you're beautiful video

NINE people you would invite to a special party
1. neil gaiman
2. jack johnson
3. david blaine
4. sue townsend
5. fiona apple
6. tim burton
7. jack black
8. chris pontius and steve-o
9. michael v.

EIGHT sure fire ways to get your attention
1. bargain books
2. carry a musical instrument preferably a guitar. (drums din sana pero ang weird naman nun)
3. wit
4. comfort food. chicken, spaghetti, caramel sundae, shawarma... or just food
5. nudity -- boobs, abs, pwet
6. engage me in a spontaneous conversation that will last us for hours
7. cool shoes
8. dainty little things in pink, green and orange. handmade paper, lumad crafts, oddities

SEVEN pet peeves
1. lies. because i have a way of finding out
2. people who don't know how to say thank you or welcome, excuse me, and im sorry
3. leftover food
4. pungent cr
5. bossy people
6. hypocrites
7. tactlessness

SIX persons you look up to
1. maya angelou
2. cynthia alexander
3. conrado de quiros
4. gerry lanuza
5. george lucas
6. lance armstrong

FIVE random things about you
1. i can survive with mcdo's cheeseburger meal -- record of 9 meals in a week nung college
2. i have an extremely long patience but i tend to keep scores
3. i can sit beside him all day doing nothing and yet feel all there is to feel in a lifetime
4. i watch porn... a lot lately. must be the people in the office
5. i often get in deep shit because i can't keep my mouth shut. 'nuff said

FOUR most romantic songs
1. take me away (lifehouse)
2. baby, i love your way (mig ayeza)
3. sa piling mo (bayang barrios)
4. kapag sinabi ko sa'yo (gary granada)

THREE places you want to take a vacation in
1. vienna, austria
2. new zealand
3. caramoan

TWO turn ons
1. sharp wit (yung maiinis ka pero tatawa ka pa rin)
2. talent (mag-draw, mag-guitar, mag-sulat ng lit, mag-soccer/basketball, mag-math/physics, mang-umm..)

ONE unforgettable moment
1. that one time when curiosity killed the cat. it's killing me still.

im passing this on to sealdi, kat, lem, janis, karla and gabby.

just like the lyrics

2006-03-12T22:27:00.000+08:00

to anyone who knows the artist/song in the sunsilk soft touch commercial (not the one by orange&lemons) please, please tell me. i've been obsessing about this lately and my sanity is hanging by a thread.

you turn my head
but instead
i feel so lonely
i fell for you
i've got to say
you put a spell on me

i opened my eyes
softly and wide
you rounded my world
you're my sunshine..

or something to that effect.

tunitunituni

2006-03-01T00:15:00.000+08:00

it's been a long day. and i've gotten myself some pretty interesting realizations..

one, i found this literature for my thesis that made me want to pull my hair off my scalp. it made me realized how lame my thesis proposal is because i overlooked a concept that is at the very foundation of my position. i was seeping with pure irritation the entire afternoon yesterday when it finally hit me square in the head that it's not the end of my attempt to finally get that elusive maste's degree, together with my dreams of engaging in serious environmental conservation work in the future. i could still turn the situation around by weaving that discovery into my framework, adding more academic merit (i hope) to a thesis topic ignited by my obsession to experience caramoan. this would mean, though, that i would have to revise ¾ of my original work; not bad for 2 weeks' worth of procrastinating and finally beating off the naughty sorceress in the tower.

two, i miss prince, formerly known as my best friend, a.k.a substitute boyfriend/ confidant/ constant companion/ debate opponent/ driver/ alalay/ sumbungan/ slash. i don't know, it's not that we don’t see each other anymore because we do, but i guess it's the good 'ol times that i miss most. i know that we've both been busy with work, other sets of friends, family, our partner; that life just seems to fast forward making it difficult to slow down and catch up with each other. i miss the times when it's complicated to introduce each other as best friends, when we used to get raised brows and yeah-rights (bespren-bespren, syota din yon) from people. i miss the tambay nights and head butts on different issues; me leaning towards the left and him, well, i don't really know. i miss the times when we would talk about our prospects and he would complain that i always find something to criticize while he never agreed with my choices. i especially miss him today, when he used to be so kaladkarin to my affairs, because i had these tickets for a concert, but things are not like before that i didn't even bother to ask and invite him to go with me, which is actually a sad thing.

three, i miss my passion for dancing. while watching the dancers during the pep concert, i saw fire in their eyes that used to be in me. and i want that back. i want to feel the rhythm flowing back in my veins, drowning me in the beat. i want to again be one with the world --an art form; fluid, powerful, beautiful.
just wait..

help!

2006-02-21T19:22:00.000+08:00

im supposed to be on a two-week leave to finally finish my thesis proposal. but im almost down my first week without doing anything substantive. argrr! i'm so good with delaying tactics that as soon as i open my pc, something would come up in my head convincing me that yeah.. i can do the thesis later. the cosmos is not helping either, friends would pop up with invitations i can't say no to; long talks, movie dates, food trips.

i need to get a grip. i should be able to do this and resist.
oh no, im weak...

if i'd die tonight, i'd die happy

2006-02-15T23:22:00.000+08:00

inside my head is a carnival of happy thoughts; of the fondest of memories of the people i love most, of embraces with the warmest of touch, of a special glance, of the sweetest of smiles like cotton candy refusing to melt, of genuine laughter that makes my heart swell, of the days when the sun caresses my face, of the air that reminds me of freshly cut grass, and of knowing how to love and being loved back.

my lips sing with lyrics and metaphors of feelings so big and ready to burst. i see memories flying with the leaves, conniving with the wind to take them farther than my imagination could ever fathom. they will be preserved there, and i, too. where the world is as it is.. wonderful.

thank you. for teaching me how to live with pain and not fix it or fade with it, to live with joy and not be ashamed to celebrate it. thank you because i love the world, my world, especially because you are in it.

eto ang gusto ko, please...

2006-02-05T17:54:00.000+08:00

sige na po. mababaw lang naman ang kaligayan ko at di naman ako demanding, di ba?
di ba? :)

o, sige na nga.
negotiable at pragmatic naman ako, pwede na rin yung nasa baba.
in order of preference yan ha.

1. white or black chuck taylors
2. stardust (yung graphic novel, meron na ako nung paper back)
3. 3 original urbandub cds
4. naked marc abaya --->joke lang! --->hindi, seryoso pala ko.--->joke!:D--->seryoso.
5. pet turtles (yung nasa terrarium/aquarium na)
6. dlsu jacket (wala lang, gusto ko lang yung combination ng green at white. di ba tere?)
7. 2 dakki pillows ( kung may queen size, better)
8. 512 mb apacer flash disk
9. black altec lansing speakers
10. olympus camedia memory card

happy birthday to me! :D

pahiram muna

2006-02-01T19:38:00.000+08:00

the magic of travel is that...
you leave your home secure
in your own knowledge and identity.
but as you travel, the world in all its richness intervenes,
you meet people you could not invent.
you see scenes you could not imagine.

your own world,
which was so large as to consume your whole life
becomes smaller and smaller
until it's only one tiny dot in space and time.
you return a different person.

sa masbate:

ako: ate, yellowbell ba yun?
ate fe: alin dun?
ako: yung kulay yellow na mukhang bell.

swimming in that direction will get you to iloilo

i swear, may fans club ako dito!

rolling and undulating milagros

sa davao:

gastronomic find: super spicy beef tapa

sa cagayan de oro:

gastronomic find #2: sinuglaw
(mixed sinugba and kinilaw)

im no law student but i got real close and personal with fr. bernas,
THE fr. joaquin bernas, sj

buzzing and blazing night market at the plaza

ang gwapa gyud!

high and low

2006-01-18T23:17:00.000+08:00

posible ba na ma-LSS ka sa isang kanta na hindi mo kabisado ang lyrics? o, well. i spent the last couple of hours finding this cattski song when the file transfer with officemate failed. syet. nakakaloka!

when i finally downloaded an mp3 from mirc, wala naman akong makitang lyrics sa internet. so i had to listen to the song over and over to take down the lyrics line by line parang dictation.

maybe you don't notice
maybe you haven't noticed
the way you make things complicated
i am all alone wondering what's so wrong and why
you always have to change your mind

tell me you love me, show me you dont
so how am i supposed to know?

you bring me up so high
feel im floating, think im flying
you pull me down so low
think im drowning, feel im dying

lately i've been thinking
how you've left me hanging
the way you've been so inconsistent
well i've heard all your stories
and all your lame excuses, your promises
you're making me so confused

so how will i know what goes on deep inside you
i wish i could read your mind

masyado nga palang downer 'tong kanta. and this would have been my exact same sentiments 5 (or is it 4?) years ago, nung panahon ng dark ages. applicable pa nga rin naman ngayon yung chorus. ikaw kasi. you make me miss you so terribly, na para bang ang layo ng kabilang kanto. masyado kasing masaya pag kasama kita. pero nakakamatay naman ang withdrawal syndrome.
hindi na nasanay.
hindi ko pa rin kaya.

chronicling narnia

2006-01-16T20:29:00.000+08:00

I'm sorry housemates, I just had to post your comments here, they made my day. And I didn't mean to eavesdrop during the conversation, ok?

1. paano naging magaling kaagad si peter sa sword fight? e mukhang mas mahaba pa sa arms nya yung sword nya. matatalo nya si jadis na sanay na sanay gumamit ng double sword?! unthinkable!

2. at bakit naman super bitin ang role ni susan? para saan naman kaya ang bow and arrow nya kung sa isang dwende lang mapupunta ang bigay sa kanya ni santa claus? at mukhang wala pang 3 metro ang layo ni susan nung ni release nya ang arrow?

3. si edmund naman. itataas lang nya sword nya tapos sisigaw lang siya ng "fire" tapos titira na yung archers. tapos akala nya pag nabasag nya yung magical scepter nung witch eh mananalo na sila at tapos na ang laban. BIG mistake. ayun sinaksak tuloy siya ni witch gamit yung basag na scepter. yan ang napala niya.

4. anong weapon ni edmund? sword din?

5. mukhang maganda din ang role ni edmund as a villain in the future, what do you think? pwede ba siyang gawing kalaban ni peter? sa tingin ko in the next episodes ay mas maeemphasize yung rivalry ni peter at edmund. peter being the good guy at si edmund yung villain at magkakatuluyan sila ni jadis. go edmund!!!

6. yung forces of "good" may air force (yung mga griffins, phoenix, eagles, etc.) e bakit hindi pinalipad yung mga mananagal ng forces of "evil". pinoprovoke pa naman nung isang manananggal si aslan nung eve of the battle.

7. may power of reincarnation yung forces of "good". isipin nyo...hindi sila mauubos. unang una yung muling pagkabuhay ni aslan. patay na sya dapat (at kalbo)! pinatay siya ni witch (kinalbo muna ni dwarf). pangalawa, bawat mafreeze ni jadis ay automatic napupunta in frozen state dun sa may gate nung kanyang castle. e kung mag-aabang lang si aslan dun sa gate at bawat dadating na frozen warrior ay iihipan nya. unlimited na yung forces nya!

8. dagdag mo pa yung magic potion ni lucy na kahit anong wound ay napapagaling. "isang patak lang". parang Joy dishwashing liquid!

9. disadvantaged na talaga si jadis sa simula pa lang kasi yung mere act na pagpasok sa loob ng wardrobe (world of narnia) nung 4 na kids ay humina na kaagad yung powers nya.

10. nung sa battle naglaban ang mga cheetah at tigers, sino ang nanalo?

11. nung naging apoy ba yung parang phoenix na ibon at pinalis sya ni jadis namatay na ba yung ibon? nagre-resurrect ba ang phoenix na naging yelo? bad trip no, phoenix ka nga, power mo mabuhay ulit pagkatapos maging apoy tapos may makakasalubong kang Ice Queen habang apoy ka?

12. bakit evil forces ang mga buffalos? at wolves? di ba mababait din naman sila? e rhino nga mabait sa movie e...

13. magkakatuluyan ba si Lucy at yung kalahating kambing?

14. di ba pag tinusok mo ng malaking sword ang isang makapal na yelo, masisira din yun di ba?

15. mabubuhay ba ulit yung queen? galing ng outfits nya no. biro mo pati yung inahit na buhok ni aslan sinuot nung battle.

And that, folks, is how my housemates do a movie review. :)

para kay ama, sa nalalapit na anibersaryo ng kanyang kamatayan

2006-01-05T23:32:00.000+08:00

Kaninang nagbayad sa tricyle, sabi nung manong driver nung susuklian na ako, "Anak, sandali lang ha?" Shemay, sabi ko sa yo, tumulo na lang luha ko, pwamis. Korni pero 'di ko na maalala kung kelan ako huling tinawag na anak ng tatay ko e.

I can't remember how long it's been since you last gave me a hug. I can't remember the last Christmas present from you, either. But that's ok, we've never been the typical dad-daughter team, I know you have lots of other kids and you're quite old enough to be my granddad. But I do remember you pinching my fat 6-year-old cheeks hard when you make gigil. That hurts, but I wouldn't tell a thing because I kinda liked it naman when you do that. You were sort of a stranger, an on-and-off dad who would stargaze with me on non-school days, would surprise me by showing up on my birthday or recognition, then disappointing me on the next.

You love paksiw na pata, lechon kawali and chicken curry. The same way I love paksiw na pata, lechon kawali and chicken curry.

Once we traveled by ourselves to Pampanga. You had me dressed up, and we drove in your car listening to Frank Sinatra. Driving on the highway, you noticed that my fingernails were long, so you pulled over and trimmed my fingernails with a blade. I wonder how you did that without hurting me. Kaso nakakangilo. Yung ngilo na pag naalala mo, mangingilo ka ulit.

Funny but you never shaved. You plucked. It was some sort of a hobby: you sitting in front of the window (for proper lighting), setting up a clear small mirror on the pane and plucking your beard away. Sometimes you would let me do this or Zaza, and all us 3 would end up laughing when we end up cutting your skin with the tweezers.

You always say a prayer before leaving the house or when putting us to sleep.

I wonder how you would have been to me now had you been here. Would you have been proud of me? Would you help me deal with my life's drama? Would you be mad if you know I'm still out really, really late at night doing godknowswhat? Would you approve of this guy I'm dying to tell you about?

Masarap din siguro kung may tatay kang pagpapaalamanan kung gusto mong umalis. Yung meron kang lalambingin pag di ka pinayagan.

I've met all of your kids a few times and I used to do background checks on possible "karirs". Kase naman mamaya kadugo ko yon no. But don't worry, I'm sure wala tayong kamag-anak sa Naga.

Don't worry papsie, tapos na yung teen-angst ko. I just miss you loads, especially now. It would have been different, though, if I had a father who took care of me the same way normal fathers do. You know, I might have become better.

I'm still wondering who would walk me down the aisle on my wedding day. Sabagay, dramatic pag solo entrance. I'll just take the show away.

Just say hi to Frankie for me.
I love you, Ama.
I am remembering.

im starting the year with a clean slate

2006-01-02T14:00:00.000+08:00

fake and plastic

2005-12-23T00:34:00.000+08:00

Can't make my mind if I'd close the year with a heavy heart or not; so many things have happened, so fast that I'm almost on the brink of losing my grip. Memories used to give me something better than ambivalence, now it leaves nothing but of a weight pulling me down. The holidays should brighten my spirit, but it's merely rubbing just how jaded I am. Sometimes, tears would just well up from somewhere too shallow for pain to wade it. Oh, but you can't see it. Not when I'm laughing hysterically to the bliss of minor distractions.

I feel empty. I feel shallow. And I don't think there's anything worse than that.

palpitation has never felt this way before

2005-12-14T09:50:00.000+08:00

it's not the coffee..
not even the lack of sleep..
not at all the "you have no right to ask me how i feel" playing in the background..

maybe it was the instant connection, like all stars were aligned.
or just the high of a friday night out.
or perhaps the numerous ways i said "asshole!" in a sentence.
i dunno.

interrupted, wicked moonlight, tantric, lemonada

kadiri naman kuya victor, ayoko ng girlfriend!

2005-12-06T22:56:00.000+08:00

Beautifully poignant. Ang Pagdadalaga ni Maximo Oliveros is beautiful in its simplicity, in its honesty and purity; it is beautiful in its brutality, in the pain and despair that still managed to permeate despite the humor and the joy, the irony in it all. Yes, it is pretty obvious that I love this film. It's not even because this won awards or was hailed by film critics; not at all because the protagonist Maxi, is gay and malandi at that. I just love it for itself. It makes you want to blush and cry and fall in love and hate with Maxi. It makes you want to have a Kuya Bogs and a Kuya Boy in real life, even a Papa Paco perhaps. It warms the heart and wells the eyes. It makes for a great discussion over coffee, or even lunch. There are so many nuances in the film worth glossing over, and taking apart for any hidden meaning and symbolism. Yes, it's a great film; I would definitely love an encore.

And I love this track from the film, too.

Isipin Mo Na Lang

Sung by: Bayang Barrios

Composed by: Mike Villegas

From the album: ALON

Nangangamba ka ba

Na ngayong malayo ka

Ako kaya ay magbago

Hinahanap ko ba sa iba ang ligaya

Ngayong tayo'y magkalayo

Manatili't huwag matinag

Sa pag-ibig mo ay bihag

Ang puso kong ito

Isipin mo na lang, ang ating samahan

At ang pag-ibig ko sa 'yo

Isipin mo na lang, ang ating samahan

At ang pag-ibig ko sa 'yo

Isipin mo na lang, ngayong natagpuan

Tunay na magmamahal sa akin

At ang nag-iisang hadlang

Ay ang pansamantalang paghihintay

Ba't di ko gagawin

Manatili't huwag matinag

Sa pag-ibig mo ay bihag

Ang puso kong ito

Yes, I'm in love.

liver, anyone?

2005-12-01T17:39:00.000+08:00

i answered a friend's summon yesterday (a major ex boylet, actually) to donate some blood as replacement for his cousin's transfusion who was confined with dengue. they need to replace 24 bags because the patient used up about 8 bags and the hospital implements a 1:3 replenishment system or they pay P1,900/bag. he must have known that i used to give precious blood during college or it's just the mercury retrograde catching up on us.

we agreed to meet at the hospital in manila since he'll be coming from ortigas and me from qc. an officemate who is a dear agreed to accompany me and even donate herself since i was bragging that the guy used to be my high school's biggest catch but i was careful though not to mention that he is currently attached. :)

our samples needed to be screened before we can be accepted as donors and we had to wait for an hour before the results were in. apparently, i wont be able to donate because my hemoglobin count is a bit low. seems that my body has not yet fully recovered from my bouts with iron deficiency anemia a few years back, which initially scared me shitless when my doctor thought it was an early stage for leukemia, prescribing me with medications that made me want to throw up at best and making my nose bleed at worse. well it could be that im still anemic but then there's still stress and other factors that's draining my life source. there's no reason for alarm, i need not take iron supplements but iron-rich food is definitely a must -- kangkong, tahong (yey, baked mussels), talaba (yey, steamed oysters), ~~beef liver~~, ~~chicken liver~~, ~~pork liver~~, shrimps, ~~shrimps~~, sardines, beef, ~~asparagus~~, canned beans, ~~ampalaya~~, ampalaya, cereals...

and remember, safe sex for all.

this could be sorrow

2005-11-30T10:18:00.000+08:00

This time last year I enjoyed a few days' rest while storms raged outside, and was feeling good about it until I learned that the same storms that kept me at home also swept away countless homes and buried more than a thousand people in Quezon and Aurora.

This time last year I watched in shock the countless images of tons of washed up logs, buried bodies, and cries of despair.

Today, the hastily-dug graves that hold countless bodies serve as silent reminders, good for a poignant All Saints' Day TV news spot or two, as those that remain still struggle to move on. Logging licenses are being revived, but then who needs permits when people can just cut trees illegally and get away with it?

Just last night I was shouting my lungs out at a concert held at the UP Theater. Mentally, I was already scribbling what post to blog the moment I hit my pc the day after.

Maybe just because it is raining this morning, as if heaven's crying in grief, when it suddenly hit me that a tragedy struck exactly a year ago.

I wonder if anyone else remembers.

I wonder if the children who used to cry at the onset of rains have managed to get over the trauma. I wonder how families managed to heal their wounds, if at all. I wonder if those people could still believe in the meaning of hope. Could be the decimated forests, could be the excessive rains, could be the sheer insensitivity and greed of people, that caused all that death and destruction.

This time last year, I was feeling the same kind of frustration and despair, and even guilt that I'm feeling right now.

limp and soggy

2005-11-22T15:48:00.000+08:00

im cold, sick and miserable.

and what's worse, im in the middle of nowhere.. well, not exactly. you see, im back again in masbate for a three-day social prep before this god-forsaken project is finally launched full-blast. i don't really mind traveling alone, i actually find it liberating and challenging; but the condition now is worst by far. to start with, i barely had 2 hours of sleep before my early morning flight although i got so tired the other day looking for the perfect 'chinelas', which i did find but failed with that elusive lampshade. my feet hurt so bad that i had trouble falling asleep and before i knew it, it's time to wake up and shock my self with the icy water for bath. i wasn't surprised when even before i boarded the plane, i've disposed two rolls of bathroom tissue already. then i got seated next to a DOM, who was too eager to chat and too dense that i do mind his mere presence. by the time i checked in the hotel, my asthma is already acting up and im getting a bit dizzy from the lack of sleep.

now, i've managed to go to milagros and back and ready to call in sick, but i still have quite a handful to accomplish for the day. i just hope that a good night's sleep later and a few gallons of water would do the trick. and if only the gloomy weather here improves tomorrow. and if i could get some warm hugs, too. :(

eto lang ha...

2005-11-16T11:00:00.000+08:00

may selos bang nasa lugar?

sa tingin ko wala.

silent sighs

2005-11-11T16:01:00.000+08:00

for joanne, our officemate's daughter who was diagnosed with a 4-cm tumor located in her brain. the tumor already had her paralyzed on the right extremeties and if not treated, could cause her hydrocephalus and even her life. she was spared from a major neuro-operation but will have to undergo a 30-session radiation therapy in order to prevent the tumor's rapid growth.
she's only 6.

and to joanne's roomate in the pedia ward, who i never got to know the name. his frail body had gone 3 painful bone marrow extractions in a span of 2 weeks but the doctors still can't be sure if it's aplastic anemia or leukemia. then a couple of days ago, it was finally diagnosed to be aplastic anemia, the reason why he was bleeding profusely and the big blotch of bruises appearing all over his body. his blood count has dropped to only about 5, way below the normal of 150. having no healthy marrow to produce red blood cells, he will survive only by undergoing regular transfusion; a medical procedure strictly objected by their faith.
the family refused the procedure and is already counting his days.

tonight when you go to bed, please say a prayer for these two. thanks!

did you miss me?

2005-11-09T18:12:00.000+08:00

yeah, i know.
like it's been forever since i last posted here. but it's not because there's nothing interesting that happened in the past couple of weeks, when it's actually anything but that.

the 2nd masbate experience was just so-so, nothing much to tell except for that ill-fated experience when again, i got left behind by the last trip from the site back to my hotel in masbate city. it was actually my fault as i tried to cram so many activities in a day. i had it all planned including the time i was expected to finish around 4, but those i had to deal with apparently didn't have any sense of urgency at all. it was also too late when i realized it meant business when i was told the last trip leaves at 5pm, because when i finished 15 minutes later neither van nor jeep was in sight. then it started to rain and got really dark and did i tell you only about 5% has electricity in the area? i was frantic!

anyway, i got back to masbate city 3 hours later thanks to councilor i-forgot-his-name (i know, i know, shame on my ingratitude) who valiantly transported me in his motorcycle. the following day, i was off to naga via masbate-pilar-legazpi route and as soon as i got there and was fetched at the terminal, i immediately demanded food. lunch at chilipeppers’ was worth all the meals i missed, forgetting to eat even once in the last 24 hours, and of course there was me and him and marc together in naga for the first time.

our next stop was to get those yum pili tarts for pasalubong and having no definite plans for the rest of the afternoon; we just strolled around and did something i will not tell just yet. :) i got to learn some interesting facts about some people and did learn a thing or two about geography. hehehe.

then it was a quick cup of coffee that tasted anything but coffee before we went to sta. cruz where i saw the most adorable, most huggable and hairiest canine creatures ever in my entire life, umm.. well.. next to their master.

and to complete every naga trip, there's got to be a hot bowl of kinalas at aling cely's. i don't know how i did it, but i was able to grab a few more isaw sticks then a bottle of beer and some sisig at molino grill.

then it was past 8 and i had to go and i've never wanted to get left behind by every possible trip back home. :(

just when i thought i was out, they pulled me back in

2005-10-21T16:04:00.000+08:00

i was readying myself to a boring week next week, no.. not boring, mind-boggling boring. he'd be in naga by then, i'll be sleeping at last in my new home, no internet, new people to deal with, it's already sem break and the people in the office would be on field for the entire week. until yesterday, 10 minutes before i left, the big bosing realized that i should be in masbate with them. that means i'll be leaving on monday, (pray that i dont get left behind at the airport again) to conduct and document the pre-testing and twg meeting, and to stay put until thursday to find and make pa-charming with potential sponsors and other stakeholders, while big bosing and ra would have left to mindoro by then. and i'll be leaving on my own to manila come friday morning.
not a bad a idea.

hmmm... maybe i should take the boat again to sorsogon, then explore the rest of legaspi city. and then perhaps i could drop by too in naga. trying that super jumbo kinalas sounds good, while i pay homage to aling cely or at chili peppers or even try that molino. it's been a while since i got my hands on some pili tart, so i think i might just get some, too. and i haven't really explored naga in my 8 (or is it 9?) trips there so far, so i'll devote the rest of the day to do so. and maybe, just maybe, i could still sqeeze in some time to say hi to a particular person or two.
not bad. not bad at all.

wanted: lady bedspacer

2005-10-17T16:53:00.000+08:00

im finally booted out of the dorm after four semesters of allowable time period plus 2 semesters by petition. now, i find myself in a boarding house with a room shared with an ex-UP pep squad. im yet to meet her, it seems that her "extra-curricular" is busier than mine. im looking forward to that and together we'll diss the salingayas, and i'll bribe her to teach me an acrobatic or two.
hahaha. yer right.
the rest of the household that i happen to meet yesterday and today seemed to be a nice lot, no negative vibes at all and i think i wouldn't turn acerbic to some tactless bitch anytime soon.

still, im convincing myself that it's a good move, as if i have a choice.
i'll miss UP definitely, its microclimate and all, the walk in the oval, some dorm friends and the fact that i used to enjoy cheaper rent and dsl in the dorm.
oh, well.
but then, my new place is just walking distance to the office, there's eunilane, foodstrips along maginhawa and matalino, highschool boys of claret and i can now cook my own or share food in the house. and although i can resort to dial-up, landlady did promise that we'll have dsl or cable or wi-fi installed soon.
if at all, im euphoric with the idea that im just a few streets away from tere and prince, and of course, kay boyps.
*grin*

sa panahon ngayon..

2005-10-13T15:51:00.000+08:00

i am so stressed. i need some s..

when there is no way to run

2005-10-09T22:25:00.000+08:00

the force is strong, and for lack of better post to.. post.

instructions: list down SEVEN favorite songs of the moment and a line you feel like shouting when you are intoxicated/euphoric/utterly on downers/panicky or whatever emotion you are in WHEN YOU ARE UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF ALCOHOL, DRUGS, MARIJUANA, OR HORMONAL OUTBURST OF ANY NATURE -- and force seven other people to do as well.

1. Somewhere in Between by Lifehouse
"Coz im waiting for tonight, then waiting for tomorrow, and im somewhere in between.."

2. Desperately Wanting by Better Than Ezra
"I remember running through the wet grass, falling a step behind, both of us never tiring, desperately wanting.."

3. Hedonism by Skunk Anansie
"Just because it feels good, it doesn't make you right.."

4. Let's Get it On by Tenacious D
"Let's get it on, let's get it on, you know what I'm talking about.."

5. Woman Like A Man by Damien Rice
"I wanna get burned, i wanna get turned, i wanna get fucked inside out.."

6. Why Can't I by Liz Phair
"Why can't i breath whenever i think about you, why can't i speak whenever i talk about you.."

7. I Can't Make You Love Me by Suzie Mcneil
"Coz i can't make you love me if you don't, you can't make your heart feel for something it wont.."

im forcing janis and karla (you need the outlet), lorie, iya, ian, do and tin. :)

and so it is

2005-10-07T22:56:00.000+08:00

i'll be counting the days, 7 to be exact, before i part from this all-too familiar place.

i'll miss that wooden chair, even if it often caused spasms on my left butt for sitting to much.
that shelf, and that eternally-cluttered table.

and ohh, my bed that i often left unmade, im gonna miss that.
will definitely miss ate grace, for teaching me to patiently listen and appreciate what i have.
our long conversations at night, ranting about her boyfriend, her boyfriend, or her boyfriend, and sometimes, my boyfriend, too.
same with the noises in the morning telling me to it's time to wake-up; people taking their baths, the manongs sweeping the floors.
and those moon-lit conversations in the garden when friends visited and a quick treat of isaw, that's just a few steps away.
and sige na nga, even the moody manangs and ate luz, i have to say, will miss them a tiny little bit, too.
hay, life's so nice here, why doesn't it last?
three years baby, three years. :(